Friendship for Lazarus

At the Cross

2012-03-05T23:55:00.005-05:00

I have been contemplating the suggestion "Leaving it all at the foot of the Cross" I hear it time and time again and I also read it in awesome books from awesome people. I struggle with it not because of God's limitations but because of my own. Seriously, how does one sit in the presence of the Crucified Christ and then just "leave it all at the foot of the Cross"? I get the meaning behind the suggestion - that Christ died for our sins and that when you leave your pain, suffering, sadness, etc. at the foot then it is redeemed or eliminated (cannot think of any good descriptive words tonight, ugh)

Here, again, is where I falter. I have 2 bulging discs in my back and I have been so depressed and very pained by it. I soooo try to offer up my pain because I am able to live (albeit with much discomfort) with it and know that there are so many that are afflicted with much more serious issues - physically and/or emotionally. So, I do ask Our Father to use my pain for someone else. I do remember my friends and my family in my prayers and ask that any suffering that I endure be offered up for their happiness and well-being. Don't get me wrong, I am the WORST kind of martyr. I am certain that God will never put me in a situation where I must suffer silently. I called or emailed every single person I know that has experienced back pain just to commiserate. Martyr? No! But, I try - I truly try to get something from all of this. I am, however, unable to stare and contemplate the Cross and then "leave my pain" there.

The other day I was at St. Paul Shrine in downtown Cleveland (just one of many beautiful churches in the Cleveland area) and they have several wonderful statues around the perimeter of the church. I knelt down before the Pieta and looked in to Our Lady's eyes and I could not bring myself to ask for prayers for my back. I realize that I am missing the point of the Crucifixion in my not being able to do this. I know that the Crucifixion was for me and for all of my sins and that Jesus' intense love for me includes His WANTING to take my cross for me. However, I want to take His Cross for Him. I want to soothe Our Lady's pain as She held Her Son. I want to be the one that is there at the foot of the Cross giving Him comfort as so many abandoned Him. I simply just do not know how to "leave it at the foot of the Cross"

Am I depriving myself of a certain amount of blessings because of this? Is there another way of asking for healing without feeling as though I am ungrateful for asking for it? Perhaps it just stems back to the age-old issue that I struggle with constantly: I do not feel worthy of it! I do not feel as though it is right for me to ask such a huge blessing. And, maybe most of all, I am fearful that if I ask for a healing and I do not receive one that it will feed that sinful thought of me not being worthy.

I was talking with my husband about this a few weeks ago that I truly just don't know how to offer things up nor do I know how to do this whole "leaving it at the Cross" thing. I mentioned that I just don't understand the purpose of it all - the suffering, the frustration, the loneliness. And Bill reminded me of all of the things that I have endured the past 20 years or so and how it all builds on itself. He reminded me that I was blessed to be the birth mother of a baby 20 1/2 years ago that was to be born on my birthday but wasn't. Only to give birth 7 years ago to a son that was born on my birthday. It was as if the pain and loneliness from that huge event in 1990 was rewarded with an equally huge event almost exactly 7 years later. God doesn't forget - He uses all of our experiences as part of a Divine plan. We often spend many of our days wishing that we could just get a glimpse into why things happen the way that they do or what will happen in the future as a result. My goodness, the wait is always worth it.

In a few days it will be 5 years that my husband died. At the time, I just could not figure out why this could have happened. I couldn't understand why this was something that MY children had to endure. In 5 years, I don't necessarily understand all the whys and why nots of Bill's death (Bill 1 - as Keagan sometimes calls him) But, I see that I am a better wife now because of the experience of loving and losing a husband in 2007. I see now that because of the suffering we all experienced, we are able to really appreciate the love and peace that we have now with this new man in our lives (Bill 2!!) So many things to be thankful for all because I was able to embrace the cross that God gave me. The cross given to me not because I am not worthy but because I AM worthy...we all are!

L.A.Z.Y.

2012-02-18T16:49:00.005-05:00

Gosh, I have been so lazy with this blogging thing! It doesn't help that my computer, once again, is virus-prone and now doesn't let me even log on to the internet, ugh! I ask so little and the internet was one of the few ways that I was able to feel somewhat connected to, well, anything!! Perhaps, that's the true lesson here? Perhaps the lesson that I am being shown, among many, is that I need to focus my attention on my life HERE. I, somehow, need to embrace my life as an Ohioan (I refuse to say that I am a Buckeye!!!!) But, how to do that?

How to do this when there are days that I am so lonely for friendship that I can barely breathe? Too dramatic? Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic but I want to be able to dive head-first into my/our life here and it's difficult when I'm either the new girl sitting alone in the cafeteria or the poor girl with her nose pressed up against the window at the toy store. Neither scenario is really a place that I've ever been. Except once...

Only once have I experienced a worse case of loneliness. It was roughly 12 years ago that I was a new mother of 2 in a 3rd floor apartment with only 1 car. I had returned to Ft. Wayne, IN - back to the scene of some horrible choices and horrible times of my college career. Sure, I met some great friends and my sister was there with me but college was a dark time for me in so many ways. And, yet, here I was again in THIS city as a married mother of a 2 year old and a newborn. The hubby worked all of the time and when he wasn't working, he wasn't home very often. I was forced to function on about 3-4 hours of sleep a night as my daughter had trouble sleeping at night so I was up all night with her and then had to entertain my 2 year old son during the day with no napping during the day. Any friends that I had in college had since moved away except for a few and even if I wanted to meet up with them, I had no vehicle in which to do it.

I describe this particular period of time because as lonely as I am here and now, I am very thankful and very blessed that I have the beautiful kids and the wonderful husband that I do at this moment. I can look back at that terribly awful (seriously, one of the lowest times of my life despite the fact that I love, love, loved my babies) time and realize that I have much to be thankful for now! Again, I am thankful for my husband - who when is not work IS home with the kids and me. I am thankful that my 3 beautiful children are super smart in school, wonderful athletes, kind, and thoughtful. I am thankful that I have a car and the ability to get around if I need to do so. I am thankful that I am not 29 years old (as I was then) and that at 41 I'm a little more secure in the person that God wants me to be and that I can remind myself more easily that I do not require the external things like weekend plans or family down the street to make me whole. I do not require anything except the love of God and family and I have those in abundance!!

So, yes, because I am human I do sometimes feel like that little girl left out of the slumber party but it does not define me as it once did! I just need to work on not airing everything out via Facebook or via texts or whatever technological device is handy. Winning the race is much sweeter when you've tasted the pitfalls of defeat once or twice (or thrice - thrice?)

Christmas 2011 - Part 1

2011-12-02T11:57:00.006-05:00

In a perfect world, my house would look like one of these pictures! Alas, I haven't begun to decorate. Heck, I haven't even located all of my Christmas decorations! They have grown legs and are now hiding from me since our move to Ohio in August! It's a cruel, cruel joke that I cannot find them! And just a friendly FYI: when packing for a move in the hot, stinkin' summer months, do not assume that you will NOT need things for winter like shovels, boots, or, ahem, your pre-lit Christmas tree!

So brings on the 2011 Christmas dilemma: To stay or not to stay?

I realize that I am not the first person in the history of the world to move away from family. I know that others have had to deal with how to handle the holidays - whether to stay or go. This would be the first Christmas that I wouldn't be with my extended family, E.V.E.R. I know how important it is for my kids to spend time with their many cousins and their grandparents and so we're trying to find a way to get it all in there while also being able to spend quality time with our immediate family. Here's the heart-breaker for me - I want nothing more than to spend time with my family members and their families but I cannot fathom the idea of not having the kiddos run out from the bedrooms to the Christmas tree to see if Santa came. Sure, we could do that while staying with my parents but it's their tree and it's their house. Does this mean that we forgo even getting a tree for our new house this year?

I keep telling myself that, in the end, it just won't matter. All that matters is that we are together and have kept our eyes (at least one good one) on the reason behind all of the hoopla! I love the sacredness and the quiet of Advent. I love anticipating the glorious day of the birth of our Savior! I love the Christmas Mass with all of its lights shining and joyful music blaring and, most especially, the Eucharist being front and center at this most special time! In the end, I do know that the rest is just gravy. It won't matter where we wake up on Christmas morning of 2011. If, after reflection, we see that our plan didn't seem to work out, then we change it up for next year. I sometimes get caught up in all of the bigness of the day and lose sight of the little things!

I think I'll start with finding my Advent wreath and other mysteriously absent decorations! Perhaps our house will, one day, look like the pictures at the top of this blog post. Or, maybe not :)

Happy Advent!

Keagan's 7th Birthday!!

2011-10-31T12:22:00.002-04:00

I am so happy that today I get to celebrate my youngest son's birthday! I have had this love/hate thing with Halloween forever. I've always been afraid of creepy, crawly things and I don't like things that tend to conjure of subjects that deal with evil or satan or whatever so to finally have a reason to celebrate this day properly is a joy!! Keagan has given us the reason to dress up and go trick-or-treating for a purpose. No longer is it part of "spooky Halloween" - it is now just something we do before we have birthday cake and open presents.

Thank you, God, for my funny, sweet, lovable, smart, and goofy Keagan! He has been the perfect addition to our already amazing family!! Again, I am so blessed to call myself this little punk's mommy :)

Beautiful Briege!

2011-10-25T11:19:00.002-04:00

Today is sweet, sweet Briege's 12th birthday!! Man, I sure love this kid! I know I've mentioned this before but she truly is a blessing to me (to us all) She is kind-hearted, funny, giving, generous, sweet, gentle, creative, and beautiful! Many people just don't see all of these things in her very quickly because she's reserved (I'd say shy) and doesn't like to draw attention to herself right away. But, I wish I could shake some of the girls at her new school - you know, the ones that look down their noses at her because she's not like them. She's wonderfully freckled and has untamed red hair. She's quirky and has a very tender heart. She'd rather have a super best friend than several mediocre friends. She so wants to wear a polka-dotted beret (or other kinds of funky clothing) but feels as though the kids already think she's different so she doesn't. On "Funky Sock Day" she made her own decorative socks because that was fun only to go to school and have girls make fun of her for having them. Gosh, how did I get off on this tangent??

I just love, love, love my sweet Briege! Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the gift of her life! I pray that I may protect her and show her how unbelivably loved she is at all times! Happy birthday, my lovely Briege!!

2 B-Days

2011-10-18T00:11:00.002-04:00

Happy birthday to my wonderful, sweet, hard-working, understanding, gentle, goofy, funny, helpful, band-geek of a husband!! There are times that I question whether all of this heart-ache and change was worth it. I also wonder if I didn't rush into getting married as all of the adjustment and anguish has been unbearable, at times. Then Bill grabs my face and kisses me just because he thought my freckles were cute at that moment or he'll do his morning dance (and it is a site to see!!) or Bill will send me a very sweet text calling me is beautiful bride and it is those moments that remind me that it was all worth it! There was no rushing into this marriage as I truly cannot imagine my life without him in it!

Bill shares his birthday with my first-born son. 21 years ago, today, I gave birth to a sweet and beautiful baby boy. I don't know what color his hair is and I don't even know whether he is tall and skinny like his brother or if he's tall and a little more muscular (yeah, I'm calling it muscular) like his mother. I do know that I can remember his face like it was yesterday. I remember his smell and his cry and his strength in his little finger as I held him for the last time. I remember the heart-ache and the anguish as I rode that Memorial Hospital elevator for the last time empty-handed.

I also remember the look of joy and awe on his new mommy and daddy's face as the papers were finalized. I can still feel the compassion in the hug of his new mommy's hug when she thanked me and then cried. I remember the mixture of emotions that I experienced walking out of that office as I realized that my son was no longer "my son" I remember wondering where does one go after finalizing adoption papers as the birth mother? There was no party and there was no dinner and there was no gathering. Not because people didn't care but because what was the proper thing to do.

What also was very present during this whole process was the loving embrace of my Heavenly Father and the most Blessed Mother. To have gone through any of that would have been impossible without my spiritual connection to them both. It may not have made all of the pain go away but it made all of the pain make sense. It gave the pain a purpose and, for that, I'm blessed.

To now have married such an amazing man who shares the birthday of a son that I may never meet, is truly a gift beyond what I deserve. God continually dazzles me with His blatant love for me!! The story of my first son, Joseph Kelly, and then the gift of my second son, Joseph Murphy, along with the unbelievable gift of grace that is my daughter, Briege Marie, followed by my gift of joy and happiness, Keagan Christopher, are enough to overwhelm me time and time again! None of it would make sense without the addition of William Scott White into all of our lives!

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for the gifts in my life! They are abundant and they are rich! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Happy 14th birthday, Murphy!

2011-10-11T12:20:00.002-04:00

Happy 14th birthday to Joseph Murphy! He's such an amazing gift to me on this special day. My birthday would not have nearly as much meaning if it wasn't for the fact that I share it with my twin, Kerry, and my son, Murphy! How blessed am I??? I am very blessed!

Gee Wiz!

2011-10-04T13:38:00.007-04:00

You'd think given the fact that I live in a town where I really know no one that I'd have gobs of time to write or at least post pictures on this here blog!! Yikes! I'm really struggling finding anything worth posting. Of course, I could brag about my kids and their successes in sports and in school (don't worry, I will!) but I'm feeling so blah that nothing seems worthy of wasting your time!

This move has been so hard! The obvious person that everyone asks about is Murphy! I totally get how it must have stunk for him to move away from family and friends in his 8th grade year! It did stink and, many times, it DOES stink! I feel for him but he's a gifted athlete with a great personality so he just effortlessly fits in anywhere he goes. That's a wonderful thing so it's hard for me when people ask me how Murphy is doing. My response is usually, "Murphy-Shmurphy" I say that with a thankful heart and I also say that knowing that his little heart breaks when he talks to his SB friends on Facebook or via text. I see his face fall and tears well when family come for a visit and then there comes the inevitable good-bye. Each time, I see the little boy that he really is even though in the next minute he looks like the young man that he's becoming! It's such a roller coaster of emotions all wrapped up in the 6'1" body of my almost 14 year old son.

Then there's sweet and kind, Briege. She dare not voice her anger or her displeasure at moving away from HER friends and her family. She doesn't want to add to anyone else's stress by chiming in with her heart-ache at leaving her Nana and Papa. She will let certain things slip, however. She'll quietly express her fear about the possibility that her Nana (both of them) or Papa will die and we won't be there with them. She will have big, quiet tears spilling on her cheeks as we say goodbye to Aunt Megan or Aunt Kerry or Cousin Colin (etc) She will whisper her miseries to her Nana so as not to upset Bill or me. I try my hardest to encourage her to share her feelings with us but she sees how much we're all trying to make a home here in Ohio and wants to be mommy's brave girl. She is that and so much more!

Keagan! Well, Keagan is a bundle of electric (and loud) energy! He forgets about SB because he's blissfully 6 (almost 7) It allows his mind and his heart to embrace the newness of Ohio without feeling such a loss of moving away from everything familiar. That is, until family come to visit. To see him dissolve into tears of joy when he sees a surprise guest from back home walk in our door is too much for me to bear. To see him dread the dawning of morning because he knows it will soon be time to give hugs and kisses of good-bye reminds me of all this little, funny, pistol of a kid has been through in his short life.

Don't get me wrong, my emotions are a bit raw right now because we just had family from SB here and the house is so darn quiet! Monday came and with it came sports practices, loads (and loads) of homework, grocery shopping, showers, baths, story time, and nighttime prayers. Then came Tuesday and so on... I guess, it's much easier to give voice to my children's emotions of the past few months because they very much mirror my own. I'm very sad and very homesick but hate to show it because then I seem weak or like I'm not trying to make a life here. I am one of those people that thrives on my friendships, and my church life, and my family. To have all 3 of these things now 273 miles away, it's difficult. I, however, would follow my husband to Siberia if it meant spending my life with him. I don't want to be apart from him and us staying in SB meant seeing him only on the weekends and I want more for my kids and for myself and for Bill than a part-time family. Yes, it would have meant that I still have my friends, my church, my family but I would be losing out on having my husband and the only father my kids have by my side.

I know it's only been 2 months but I just don't know how to meet people here. I'm not kidding, every person that I've met have lived here their entire lives which can sometimes translate as "No new friends needed, thank you" I volunteer in school but the moms already know each other and they spend their volunteer time huddled together recounting their GNO from last Thursday and I just spend it with the kiddos and realize that it's important for the kids that I'm there for them and not to fulfill some sort of friend quota that I might have. Throw in the fact that I have a torn hamstring/pinched nerve/back issues (not sure what it is) which prevents me from exercising (well, walking) and getting out there. That only continues the spiral of depressing thoughts and boredom which then makes the snowball bigger!

I remember before we moved listening to a radio program with a woman that was talking about how traumatic it was for her when she and her family moved when she was 14 and then the trauma was equally as bad when she and her husband moved when she was 40! She encourage those of us in similar situations to cleave to God. To use this time to rely solely on God as our everything. Perhaps, if nothing else, it is an opportunity for us to "clear out our closets" and get rid of distractions and just totally trust in the Lord for all. Yeah, easier said than done, right? I am trying so hard to just let God work His miracles in my life and I see them every day in the smiles of my kids, the gentleness of my husband, the comfort of His presence. I just need to work harder.

Yes!!

2011-06-28T23:33:00.001-04:00

Why It's All Worth It

2011-06-14T20:16:00.000-04:00

So Much...

2011-06-06T14:11:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure where the time has gone! In 18 short days, I will become Mrs. William White!! I am overwhelmed with all of the newness that is approaching. I love my future husband so much that my toes tingle! I am humbled and grateful and blessed and excited at becoming Bill's wife. I am truly honored to be gifted again with the opportunity to share in the sacrament of Marriage. When Bill 1 (as Keagan calls him) died, I really thought that my life as a wife was over. I was perfectly content in being a mother to my beautiful kids but God had other plans for me and planted Bill 2 deep into my heart. Ooooh, I just can't wait!

With this amazing gift comes many changes! Moving 273 miles away is very intimidating to me. I've never really lived away from my family. I don't count college because that time was spent with my sister and I was usually at the bars or at class. I also lived away for 2 years when Murphy and Briege were very little and that almost caused me to have a nervous break-down. Maybe it is that memory that is causing much of my anxiety?? I just continually go back to my prayers and trust that God will honor the process and my obedience to His Will. I truly feel God calling me to cling to my husband (future husband) and trust that "If God has led me to it, He will lead me through it" If only I was as strong and as faithful as I pretend to be to the world!!

So, back to packing and cleaning and planning and paying. I look forward to finally be done with this chapter and getting to live my life as Mrs. William White. It's a hard statement to make because I'm so sad to be leaving my family and my friends but I'm very excited to make new friends with my new (and existing) family in a new city.

Summer 2011

2011-05-31T08:30:00.000-04:00

Ahhh

2011-05-19T23:45:00.000-04:00

I know that I don't surf but this is really one of the most peaceful videos for me. If it wasn't for all of the darkness and precipitation in Alaska, I would totally move there - wouldn't Murphy love THAT?

Boo on You!

2011-05-17T13:30:00.000-04:00

I've entered the real estate market in trying to sell my humble home! Well, it's been on the market for about 2 months now but since I've had only one showing, I consider it newly on the market!! It's been one of the most stressful things I've had to do (I'll get back to you when I have to undertake a 300 mile move with my family away from the only home we've ever known) To try and keep perspective as you look around and see all of your stuff - like family pictures, blankets, toys, reminder notes - as your "stuff" and others see it as clutter and as a distraction to the buying process, is enough to make me a little anxious. I've then had to see my dandelion population quadruple in number two days before my very first open house - lovely!

The thing is, I bought this house as is! I knew that there were rooms that were not my colors and I still bought it; I realized that I really wanted 2 bathrooms, yet, I still bought it; I saw that the carpet was that typical builder's grade (beige!!) and saw the spots and still bought it. I wasn't desperate for a house, I could just see it as a home and not as this structure with all sorts of flaws. I didn't walk in to the kitchen and wonder where the granite countertops and the stainless steel appliances were! I didn't wonder why they never invested $10,000 in getting a half-bath! I certainly didn't walk in and wonder why the heck would ANYONE put pictures of their family on the wall!

So, I'm a day past my first showing of my house and my realtor sends me the feedback from the other realtor. It was so elitist and so snotty! She didn't make mention of any of the positives except that it's in a nice neighborhood (I had nothing to do with that part of the house) I am one that can accept criticism (I know a few that cannot!!) but it was the tone of her message that struck me as mean. To then find out that the realtor came alone (with no client!!) because she had no client for the house. She was a neighbor from two streets over that is also selling her house and, just so happens to be, a realtor. So, she was merely sizing up the competition! I get it, that's the nature of the business - especially in this buyer's market! But, I had to bust my booty to keep the house tidy with 2 toddlers and then my own 3 older kids and a dog! I then had to high-tail it out of the house, smack dab in the middle of homework/snack time because she needed the showing appointment at 3:45 not at 4:45!

BOO ON YOU!

I know...Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry! Repeat: Pray, Hope, and Don't Worry!

Mother's Day

2011-05-03T14:00:00.001-04:00

I share this article not because I am in "need" of any kind of acknowledgment but because I do think about how I felt for the longest time that I belonged in the "no-man's-land" of motherhood categories. For 7 years before I was blessed with Murphy, I felt so weird about Mother's Day. I mean, I've always had a mother (and up until about 7 years ago, a grandmother too) so I didn't sit and ponder the day away. But, I did feel a sense of loss on each and every Mother's Day because I had no proof that I was any kind of a mother and it was awkward because I knew that there was a child in the world with my DNA that was calling someone else mother. I say that with a thankful heart for I am sure that he is in wonderful hands with his parents.

I also have a huge place in my heart for those women that for various reasons cannot give birth to children. I pray for the families that open their lives and their hearts to adoption - I cannot imagine my worry if I did not have the choice of a wonderful mother (and father) for my son. So, on Mother's Day, I ask that we all just pause and remember mothers of all kinds - birthmothers, adoptive mothers, and childless mothers (the aunts, cousins, sisters, friends)

May we all turn to Our Lady and ask that she may spiritually adopt all of us!

On Mother's Day, Honor Moms Who Chose Adoption Over Abortion | LifeNews.com

Christ is Risen!

2011-04-24T01:52:00.002-04:00

Guide me, O thou great Redeemer,
Pilgrim through this barren land.
I am weak, but thou art mighty;
Hold me with thy powerful hand.
Bread of Heaven, bread of Heaven,
Feed me till I want no more;
Feed me till I want no more.

Open now the crystal fountain,
Whence the healing stream doth flow;
Let the fire and cloudy pillar
Lead me all my journey through.
Strong Deliverer, strong Deliverer,
Be thou still my Strength and Shield;
Be thou still my Strength and Shield.

Holy Saturday

2011-04-23T10:05:00.002-04:00

"Something strange is happening – there is a great silence on earth today, a great silence and stillness. The whole earth keeps silence because the King is asleep. The earth trembled and is still because God has fallen asleep in the flesh and He has raised up all who have slept ever since the world began. God has died in the flesh and hell trembles with fear."

Good Friday

2011-04-22T10:38:00.002-04:00

"Blessed Virgin, Mother of fair love, tell us where Your Beloved has gone. Teach us to follow Him truly and no longer to follow ourselves. Show Jesus crucified in all His meekness and humility to us whose eyes have been blinded by pride and whose hearts are hardened by selfishness." From The Way of the Cross with the Blessed Virgin

The Way of the Cross with the Blessed Virgin
By Mother Marie des Douleurs – foundress of the Benedictine Sisters of Jesus Crucified

“The Way of the Cross is not only a great testimony to an inner depth and maturity, but it is in fact a school for interiority and consolidation. It is also a school of the examination of conscience, for conversion, for inner transformation and compassion – not as sentimentality, as a mere feeling, but as a disturbing experience that knocks on the door of my heart, that obliges me to know myself and to become a better person.”
Pope Benedict XVI

First Station - Jesus Is Condemned to Death

YES, MY CHILD, I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY SON. Be very attentive and recollected in the depths of your soul, far from all things, beyond all sensibility and reasoning; perceive the word which never ceases to act efficaciously. May your soul be flexible and gentle like Veronica’s veil so as to reproduce all the divine features.
Imagine at first someone who willingly and peacefully humbles himself till the end, who does not revolt before injury, whom mockery does not cause to wince, and who submits to all the abjections with a tranquil heart. Behold my Son, the Author and Prince of peace, and consider: are you truly one of his disciples, you for whom a look, a frown, a breath of suspicion suffices to wound deeply and to cause you to withdraw from recollection for yours, even days?

Second Station - Jesus Is Laden with the Cross

MY SON CAME ON EARTH FOR THIS HOUR. He has accepted his mission and fulfilled it point by point in order to arrive at the end which is the cross.
You also must attach yourself passionately to the will of the Father so that you will know how to say yes not only in advance for what your imagination represents to you as a future cross, but according to the degree that suffering causes revulsion to your body and anguish to your heart… to the degree that suffering disheartens your spirit and compasses your soul entirely.

Third Station -Jesus Falls for the First Time

LEARN NOT TO BE SCANDALIZED BY HUMAN WEAKNESS – this weakness which God knew, this weakness which he became himself.
Because of Jesus lying beneath the cross, be compassionate, devoted, and come to the aid of the weakness of your neighbor.
For yourselves, do not wonder and allow yourselves to be troubled by the weight of your body. Be humble before its weariness; bear it with simplicity, and then as soon as you can, take up again your burden. The task is not yet finished; Calvary is still far off.

Fourth Station - Jesus Meets His Mother

GIVE YOUR HEARTS TO MY SON all emptied, thirsting, and turned solely toward him, wholly unoccupied with yourself.
You have met him many times, but you did not know it, because your spirit was full of plans, anxieties, and thoughts which were not concerned with this unique love.
Oh, how sad it is for my Son to seek with so great a desire of a loving look from one who remains distracted, dreaming, or even laughing with the foolishness and dissipation of the world.

Fifth Station - Jesus is Helped by Simon

HOW I DESIRE THAT YOU WOULD NOT RESEMBLE SIMON, this poor Simon who considered it a burdensome task to help carry the cross.
I desire that you love the cross very much and that you consider that it is my Son who grants you a grace in asking you to help him, and not you who would do him one by accepting an additional task or a trial or some physical suffering.
I would have you spouses of Jesus crucified, of those who do not content themselves, who do not measure, who give all without knowing what they give and who do not discover new sacrifices and new crosses at each hour of the day.

Sixth Station - A Holy Woman Wipes the Face of Jesus

VERONICA FOLLOWED THE IMPULSE OF HER HEART and did not ask herself what the people around her would think of her gesture.
You also, go ahead, allow yourself to be enkindled by the Holy Spirit and never again fall into this miserable human respect. Be entirely simple, and do the least little things in the best way you can, without solicitude for those who see you, solely occupied with him who suffers, who loves and waits for you. Each one of your minutes can be a reparation if you seek nothing but the face of your Bridegroom. May nothing frighten you, may nothing prevent you from accomplishing everything most perfectly.

Seventh Station - Jesus Falls for the Second Time

THERE HAVE BEEN DAYS, AND THERE WILL BE AGAIN, when you will be as if crushed under the burden of temptation, disgust, and trouble. It is to help you to rise again that my Son willed to fall the second time.
When everything seems too heavy, humble yourself beneath the burden which you do not know how to carry; confess your weakness and the small amount of you generosity. Make yourself little, very little, and the spirit of strength will come in you and will raise you up, and you will go on, even to the summit of Calvary.

Eighth Station - Jesus Consoles the Daughters of Jerusalem

LEARN TO HAVE YOUR SOUL PERFECTLY OPEN, wholly comprehensive of the weakness and miseries of your neighbor. Always be prepared to pour out your soul on those who are hungry. You should serve as their nourishment, for you are here so that the sad may become joyous, the faint-hearted recomforted, and the bad converted.
Oh! Do not fail my Son who awaits all these souls and who desires to have them through you. Think no longer of yourself; do not speak of yourself; you must not waste the time, for your task is immense. My Son is in agony until the end of the world because of all those who have not understood the cross. Do not allow yourself to be occupied with self during this time.

Ninth Station - Jesus Falls for the Third Time

EVEN IF YOU REMEMBER YOUR SINS, even if it happens that you again commit some of them, or even if you should be scandalized by the faults of consecrated souls, raise yourself up and continue. By his third fall, Jesus, my gentle Son, has redeemed all. Do not give the enemy the occasion to triumph. What he wants is to discourage and stop you. Only to attain this end does he desire to permit you to commit faults.
Be courageous even to death, begin again, fight, and advance at any price. Your fall could be the occasion of a great triumph for the glory of God.

Tenth Station - JESUS IS Despoiled of His Garments

IN ORDER TO ADVANCE MORE RAPIDLY, my children, allow yourselves to be despoiled. Love the most holy poverty; love this spiritual destitution which leaves you marvelously free.
So long as you reserve an attachment for something and believe that you have need of a support coming from riches or of consideration, you do not yet resemble him who was despoiled of all things, even the robe which I had woven for him myself. Do not believe that you have need of anything, and allow everything to be taken away as soon as it is asked of you. Even seek the detachments; it is this that will make your soul great and strong.

Eleventh Station - Jesus Is Nailed to the Cross

MY CHILDREN, YOU DO NOT YET KNOW WHAT THE CROSS IS; you cannot know it. Your crosses are those in your imagination, and you fabricate sufferings to occupy yourselves when you lives are not full enough.
Ask for nothing, but refuse nothing. Behold my Son allowing himself to be nailed to the cross without saying anything, with the immense joy in his heart of adhering to the will of the Father.
You should also do the same; do not resist, allow yourselves to be loved. He who disposes all things according to the designs of his infinite love knows what you need to win souls and sanctify yourself. Extend your hands and feet, and allow yourself to be nailed.

Twelfth Station - Jesus Dies on the Cross

MY CHILDREN, ASK FOR THE GRACE OF PERSEVERANCE and do not be sure of yourselves. It is grand to die on the cross, in sentiments of peace and love, in thanksgiving for participating in the state of the divine crucified. It is grand to stay at the foot of the cross right to the end, without having any terror for flight, nor any weight or weariness. But how many were we?
I have asked for your perseverance. Ask for it again through me, and fear nothing. You shall be there until the end, in a growing love, but only if you are humble, if you know that by yourselves only cowardice and calamities can happen.

Thirteenth Station - Jesus Is Replace in the Arms of His Mother

“ALL IS CONSUMMATED.” May this be said of you also. May all the graces you have received become fruitful; all that has been confided to you terminated like the task of a good laborer when evening comes. Let nothing be neglected, not one iota of the law. May you have treated nothing as being too small to be worth accomplishing with a great deal of love.
I would like to be able to reunite, on the last evening of your life, all your days in a splendid sheaf, and offer it to my Son in eternal thanksgiving for the sinner that you could have been and who has become a saint by the mercy of the blood of my Son.

Fourteenth Station - Jesus Is Place in a Tomb

IT IS VERY NECESSARY THAT YOU KNOW THIS, because your presumption still hides it – suffering is not just a great cry of love which opens heaven without agony. No, it also has a whole train of inabilities and humiliations of all kinds. We must feel everything in us being paralyzed and have some idea of the cold and emptiness of the tomb. The more you shall be bound thus, the more you shall be ready for the resurrection. The more you shall have been reduced to nothing, the more you shall be rich for the glory of God eternally.

Holy Thursday

2011-04-21T07:42:00.004-04:00

...He said to them, "Do you realize what I have done for you?...If I, the Master and Teacher have washed your feet, you ought to wash one another's feet. I have given you a model to follow so that as I have done for you, you should also do." John 13: 1-15

I, particularly, love Holy Thursday Mass. It causes me to stop, think, and wonder what I would have done for Jesus on these important and fateful days. I would like to think that I would never have abandoned Our Lord in His need but don't I do that now? When I "forget" to pray even a simple word or two in a day, aren't I abandoning Him? When I lose my train of thought at Mass and can't recall what the readings were but CAN recall what "Susie Q" was wearing, is this abandonment? I know I'm human (shocking!) but it saddens me when I think of the way that I am prone to ignore Jesus. However, it is Holy Thursday that thrusts me back in to it! I feel renewed in my vow never to abandon Him. I so want to protect Our Savior from the crucifixion while, at the same time, I want to observe and emulate The Blessed Mother and show my obedience and love in God's Divine Plan. I am looking forward to spending time in deep reflection these next few days.

On a side note, I was watching the news this morning (I shouldn't have) and caught the middle of a segment titled, "How Much is Too Much?" Curious, I turned up the volume and watched as 3 high school girls were prom dress shopping. They tallied up their cost and it went something a little like this: $55 for tanning; $150 for jewelry; $200 for hair; $200 for limo; $75 for flowers; $3050 (that's right, $3050.00) for the dress. I just sat there with my mouth wide open! To compare and contrast Our Lord's sacrifice against these 3 families justifying spending close to $4000.00 on prom...there are no words. I realize that the secular world doesn't curtail their lives around Holy Week but I just found this to be gross. I am saddened, sickened, and more determined to remain somewhat prayerful in these next four days of the Triduum.

Habemus Papam

2011-04-19T10:18:00.001-04:00

6 years ago, Joseph Ratzinger was named the new pope of the Catholic Church - Pope Benedict XVI.

Where were you? I was in my living room crying like a baby :)

Official

2011-04-11T17:23:00.004-04:00

It's official: I put the forms in the mail for my kids to begin school next year in Ohio! We took a tour of the school over our Spring Break (who needs Florida, right?) and fell in love with the kind teachers, the friendly office staff, and the terrific 8th grade tour guide! I won't speak for Murphy, as his opinions are jaded by the fact that he truly believes that I sought out and decided to marry Bill merely to mess up his life. But, I know it will be a great fit for all of us.

Don't get me wrong, I had to run to Target while I was in Rocky River and I got teary-eyed because of all of the women that were stopping each other in their cute workout gear to chat. I am going to really miss my friends and my family. The other day, I shoved Keagan in his coat and barely batted an eye as he ran down to my sister's house to play. I will miss that! A few days before that, I ran into a girlfriend at the grocery store and we decided to go and have lunch. I will miss that! Last weekend, my mom decided it was time to clean out her garage freezer so she decided to have a "Clean the Freezer" dinner - just like that! I will miss that!

I know...I know what the next response is going to be from you: "You'll meet people when you move" How do you know? Maybe I will be so terrified to leave my house for fear of rejection! Maybe I will be so paralyzed with fear that I will become one of those hoarders that you see on TV! You don't know, it could happen!! No, it won't happen that way because I'm a very good faker. I will pretend as though I've made lots of changes in my life and I will pretend that I have always lived my life as a free-flowing kind of a gal. I will fake the fact that I am scared silly that other mothers might be judging me because I bought my daughter the wrong kind of shoes for the first day of school. I will fake the fact that I am sick to my stomach at the thought that I may have, indeed, ruined Murphy's life by moving him away from all of his great friends and family!

Or, I may just try the honest approach and throw myself out into the world knowing that God will surely love me even if no one else will. I may just stick my neck out there and make friends with people even though they may be well aware that I'm quaking in my boots the entire time. I'm going to have to attempt the old faith approach to life. I have never been failed by God and I'm certain He will not decide to abandon me now! The faith issues, as always, come from my shortcomings but, alas, God loves me and waits patiently for me every time. My/our move to Rocky River will provide just that same opportunity for me to turn to God and I'm going to do that.

I may still fake it though :)

Taize - Veni Sancte Spiritus

2011-03-30T11:34:00.002-04:00

My favorite Taize song - probably my favorite Lenten song along with "Jesus, Remember Me"

Every time I hear this song, I feel almost driven to my knees in adoration. Jesus has been so good to me and my family and this song reminds me to daily, constantly invite the Holy Spirit into all of my thoughts, words, and actions.

A Little Perspective

2011-03-15T18:14:00.005-04:00

This picture speaks volumes about the unbelievable devastation in Japan. Here, at home, I carry on worrying about wedding costs, losing weight, selling my house, raising my kids correctly, etc. all in the comfortable confines of my heated home with my stocked refrigerator and with the knowledge of the whereabouts of my loved ones.

I've learned so much from just observing the Japanese people during this crisis of unimaginable proportions. There have been no reports of looting, no curfews imposed on the residents, no worries about government officials stealing aid money, etc. They have quietly assisted one another while also grieving the loss of thousands of people and countless homes, memories, pets, heirlooms, photos, churches, stores, business, and so on. Amidst this devastation is a lesson for all of us on how to survive after this. I'm humbled and amazed and I leave it at that and with this:

Sad

2011-03-11T17:40:00.004-05:00

I feel a bit compelled to share my thoughts on the abortion issue. I cannot stand Planned Parenthood for so many reasons. If they were merely an organization that provided free "health care" to families, then I would have less of a problem with them. I get being the uninsured or the under insured because I am one and to have places to go where I can get health care at low-cost, on paper, sounds fabulous. Planned Parenthood makes millions - M.I.L.L.I.O.N.S. - on abortion and handing out birth control. Stop killing babies in utero by BOTH birth control and abortion, and I'll support MY tax dollars funding you. Until then, nope, never, ever will I support a "medical" facility that preys (yes PREYS) on low-income and desperate women.

They say that we, on the pro-life side, don't care about the women and children only about the babies in utero (only they don't use the word babies because that might convict them that, I don't know, there's an actual LIFE in their uterus!) Have they asked me? I may not be able to afford many extras in life but I would do my very best to lovingly support a woman faced with an unwanted pregnancy. The bottom line is, Planned Parenthood paints this scenario of a fresh start and, yet, where are they when women regret their abortions? Well, one place where they are is down the street countin' their money! Daily, I have to drive by my local PP office and see their tacky marquee screaming "Morning After Pill - only $65 - no pelvic exam needed" Yeah, that sure gives me the warm and fuzzies!

And, yes, I do think that the invention, pushing, marketing, etc. of the pill and all forms of birth control has ushered in generation upon generation of self-centered people. I get why people use birth control and I do not judge them because that's not my job but I'm not going to be silent anymore. The pill, uses chemicals to prevent the implantation of a fully-fertilized egg into the uterus causing it to abort (this is not my wording, it is in the literature) I believe that human life begins at the moment of conception. I don't believe that it happens a second later but that it happens at that precise moment: Life has begun I can put myself in the shoes of people wanting to have as much sex without any of the "burdens" that may come from it but, really? Are we so spoiled that we can't adjust our urges? Are we so selfish that we want the cake but we don't want the calories that go with it? Have we separated ourselves so far from God that we don't even see pregnancy, marriage, children as a gift to be nurtured and embraced?

Enough!!!

And with that, I give you the lovelies supporting a government funded PP:

Fasting

2011-03-10T14:45:00.001-05:00

I Remember...

2011-03-07T22:16:00.002-05:00

Dear Bill,

I want you to know that I remember. Despite the fact that I cannot remember your voice and I have trouble recalling the color of your eyes, I have not forgotten. I am sorry if I don't change my Facebook picture to a picture of you and I'm sorry that my status message doesn't make mention of the fact that it was 4 years ago tonight (in roughly an hour) that you died. It's not because I don't remember and it's not because I don't care. I love you, Bill. I'm sorry that you got cancer. I'm sorry that you never got to hear your youngest son call you daddy. I'm sorry that you haven't gotten to see your youngest daughter grow into a beautiful angel. I'm sorry that you aren't here to see your second son become a young man (at 6 ft tall in 7th grade!) I'm sorry that you didn't get the chance to meet your granddaughter and see how much she looks like your oldest son.

But, I want you to know that I remember. I remember the good times and, often times, the bad. I remember it all because I want to be able to pass along our lessons in life and tell our kids that this is what daddy used to say or this is what daddy used to do. I'm keeping your memory alive the best way that I know. I don't know what that best way is but I'm trying and...

I remember.

Nothing is New! Yet, Everything is New!

2011-02-16T23:52:00.012-05:00

Sorry, I haven't at all been motivated to write much! I'd like to say it's because my house is up for sale, I've secured a venue for my reception, I lost 35 pounds, I bought a dress, I'm relatively packed...but that would be the exact opposite of what has been going on in my world!!

Instead it's this:

And this:

Not enough of this:

More of this:

An abundance of this:

And loving this:

I'm thinking I need to add more of this:

And, definitely, more of this:

So...off to go do more of, well, this!

'Snowpocalypse 2011'

2011-02-01T19:31:00.002-05:00

Could we be more dramatic??? I am loving all of the hype involved in this upcoming blizzard! I'd rather have the big and fluffy snow than the skin-jarring windy snow but, oh well! It's February and, guess what, it snows in South Bend!! And, for all of my whiney Facebook friends, stay indoors and button up!! I'm so over all of the Negative-Nellies and the Debbie-Downers when it comes to winters in Indiana. I get it, not everyone has a "choice" as to whether they live here or not. I get it, some prefer the skin-melting heat and humidity of summer but you don't hear me begging for winter during summer, do you? Oh wait, you do ;)

Until then, bring on the snow!!!

Eucharist on the Tongue

2011-01-31T11:00:00.003-05:00

(High altar at St. Stephens Catholic Church in Cleveland, Ohio - amazing, amazing, amazing church)

I know this sounds completely ridiculous but I have NEVER received the Eucharist, at Mass, any other way than in my hand. I'm a girl that made her 1st Communion in 1978 and we were in the swing of Vatican II reform so it wasn't even taught to us nor was it encouraged. I'm not one that tends to take a position on what is the "correct" way to receive the Eucharist. I believe that the intent is way more important than how you do it. I know that many think that it is irreverent to receive something so holy and special like the consecrated Host in your hand and I tend to find some compelling truths to that. I've seen people just willy-nilly walk up to the Eucharistic minister and stick their hand out like they're at a gumball machine. But, I don't know their hearts and their minds. These same people may very well have the purest hearts and the greatest love for Our Lord and why should I judge whether or not it is "valid" that they've just received the Eucharist by hand?

It opens yet more questions that I have...well, maybe concerns that I have. I have witnessed the watering-down of my beloved Catholic Church. Can anyone say the 80s? The sacredness of the Church suffered quite a hit in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. The invention of the birth control pill, Roe v. Wade, the Women's Lib movement, and Vatican II all ushered in an environment, in the Church, of anything goes. We were taught that it was ok to have small families or no families at all - it's our body, after all. I remember a homily when I was in my early teens in which the priest, from the pulpit, gave "us" women permission to take back our lives. We didn't need to feel obligated to be wives and mothers. This is fine and dandy if that's where one finds oneself - some are not able to have children and/or some may not feel the call to be a wife but to say that to be a wife and a mother is akin to some sort of slavery option? Hmmm? I still struggle with the guilt I have that I don't have a real job. It was the culture in which we were formed. To break from that culture is tough.

So, here I sat at my third Latin Mass ever - my first one, I was a bridesmaid at my college roommate's wedding and, the second one, I left after a woman yelled at me because my head wasn't covered - I was having a minor freak-out because I really did not know how to receive the Eucharist on my tongue. I've always done the "hands as a cradle" communion procedure (sounds so sterile) and so I squeezed Bill's arm and revealed to him that I had never done this before today. He, very sweetly, took my hand, kissed it, and led me to the altar railing and reassured me that the priest would know what to do and for me to watch him. Well, I survived and, I must say, I was overcome at the beauty of the whole thing. I was, actually, surprised at how different I felt after Mass. I'm an "on fire for Christ" kind of a gal but, this time, it was amazing how I felt such an element of peace that it overwhelmed me with tears. To celebrate Mass in the Latin tradition was one of the most powerful experiences of my life (even if, most of the time, I didn't even know which part the priest was on) To have shared that experience with the man I am to marry was a gift that I shall be forever grateful!

Just thought that I'd share how enriching it was to attend a Latin Mass with all of its chanting, silence, incense, tradition, etc. I may be a convert to it if there were any churches around here that had Latin Mass. This doesn't mean, however, that I am an anti-Vatican II person. I do think that Vatican II watered down our beautiful traditions. I believe the intent of VII was to make the Mass more relatable to those in the pews and, for that, I am bowled over that I can feel a true part of the miracle. I do feel that, in the process, we've lost the sacredness of the Mass. It's become so ordinary to so many that the mystery seems gone.

I have more thoughts on the matter but, for now, I'll stop and maybe study some Latin so I won't look like such a dork the next time I go to Latin Mass :)

Ronald Reagan

2011-01-24T22:25:00.001-05:00

Check!

2011-01-18T14:09:00.002-05:00

On July 2nd, 2011, I will become Mrs. William White!! I wish that's all there was to it! I wish that I could just show up at St. Pius in my Notre Dame sweatshirt (it would be clean - I'm not a hillbilly!) and my jeans and kiss the man that I know was sent from Heaven for me and me alone!! But, at least the date and church are reserved for Kelly & Bill to be married and the rest will just happen. Yeah, 'cause I'll just magically lose 30 pounds so I don't have to wear a bed sheet as a wedding dress and the reception will just be Happy Meals for all guests at the play area and my flowers will be my neighbor's hydrangea blooms stolen on the sly the night before the ceremony and my hair will just suddenly be long and flowing like a freakin' ad from Estee Lauder and...

Well, all of that's just garbage anyway - I just can't wait to be married to Bill and to kneel before God and our families and pledge my love, honor, obedience, and fidelity to him and to God! Yay!!

Tears

2011-01-10T23:02:00.002-05:00

I had this long story ready to be posted and I've decided not to post it. I attended a funeral today for the father of one of Keagan's kindergarten friends. He was not even 40! I, brazenly, thought that I would go in strong support of the family and they'll see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, talk about a fraud. I lost it when I walked up to the church and saw the new widow (horrible word to describe anyone under the age of 70!) and her son. I tried to give them the, "I'll pray for you" and the, "I'm sorry for your loss" and all I got out was, "God bless you all" and then I dissolved into tears. Some pillar of strength I turned out to be!!

I was, however, glad that I went and I was glad that I took Keagan out of class to attend the funeral with me. Funny enough, his presence comforted me more than anything else. He stroked my face and handed me tissues and patted my back - it was as if God crawled into the skin of my 6 year old and held me! What a gift! It was a good thing to relive those feelings of loss perhaps so that I could truly reflect on all that I've found in the last year. It's been so easy to talk about Bill's death as some slide show and to forget that a real part of my life ended 3 1/2 years ago. So, although, it was very painful and very sad, I guess I could be the light at the end of the tunnel. I was there, I was brave enough to face that sadness again all in support of this lovely family. They have a tough road ahead and I will pray for them unceasingly.

After the service was over, I decided that I wanted Keagan home with me. I didn't want him to experience something like that and then go back to being yelled at because he moved or breathed wrong or talked. I wanted to preserve that special part of him for a little while longer! So, I walk into the class room to grab his backpack and ran smack dab into Keagan's teacher (we'll call her frickin' Snow White - the frickin' part must be added though) She knew where we were - that a 6 year old FROM OUR SCHOOL AND IN THE KINDERGARTEN CLASS lost his daddy! She knew, even though she didn't know me or my family, that Keagan, also, had experienced a loss and perhaps he/we would be a tad emotional. Well, then again, maybe she didn't know any of this! She greeted us with her high pitched "kindergarten" voice and asked why was Keagan going home and I gave her a generic response and she responded with, "OK, well have a fun day" Is it Confession-worthy to say that I wanted to pop that clueless, fake, rigid, awful woman in the face??? Well, I'll pencil in my Confession time for tomorrow but as for this evening, boy, I'm really struggling!

I'll leave it at that because I don't want to give her any more energy than I've already lost over her! I am extremely sad for the family that, today, had to say their final goodbyes to their son, their brother, their husband, their father, and their friend. I pray that, in God's mercy, Bill will be there to greet this newest member of the Heavenly choir and that an extra helping of comfort and peace is given to this family. I shall turn my tears, frustration, sadness, and anger over to God in exchange for whatever blessings I can offer them!

This stinks!!

Prayer

2011-01-06T13:41:00.003-05:00

I'm reading an amazing book about the life of St. Joseph and it has convicted me on my lack of prayer life. Yes, I pray but it's always a last second Hail Mary thrown out there to make myself feel better for having "prayed". Really? How would I feel if my kids neglected to talk to me or tell me thank you or I love you except 5 seconds before their eyes close for the night? Well, I know I would still adore them but I would long for their attention and their love. How, then, can I not see that the Divine Creator would not want that much from me? Why is it that He deserves my last 5 seconds before sleep? He doesn't!

The grand irony of it all? I feel extreme loneliness! Yes, I, who am surrounded my children all day - needing me, loving me, talking to me, laughing with me - am lonely. I realize that loneliness can be a blessing or an invitation to deeper prayer with Our Lord and I'm going to take it as such. I'm not going to delve into some "poor me" weep-fest because I'm lonely. I truly am going to treat this as my nudge from God that He misses me (golly, it's hard for me to even write that because who am I for Him to miss??) I am bound and determined to give God more than my final 5 seconds of the day! I truly have so much to be thankful for in my life. I have my health, my 3 beautiful kids, my wonderful fiance, my sturdy house, my friends, my family, etc. That, all by itself, is reason enough for me to give pause and shout my thank yous to my Heavenly Father - every.minute.of.the.day!!! But, alas, I don't and then I wonder why I'm lonely - seriously?

It's time for me to turn back to prayer as my primary source of support - in ALL things! I'm trying to plan a wedding for a date that has yet to be determined and move to a house that has yet to be determined with all details, yep, yet to be determined. What's left except persistent prayer? Well, lots of things are left but what makes the most sense is persistent prayer! So, instead of busting my hide to beat my high score in Pyramid Solitaire on Facebook or watch the latest episode of the Office, I am going to spend more time dedicating myself and my family to deeper and more meaningful prayer. At the end of the day, it's really all that matters!

Holy Mother, Holy Child

2010-12-26T12:51:00.003-05:00

I read this post on mychocolatehart.blogspot.com and loved it. Her name is Jennifer and she always inspires me with her amazing writing and faithful sharings. Again, with this post, I am blown away!

Enjoy...

Holy Mother, Holy Child, Born of Each Other

An ordinary day had suddenly become the most miraculous day in human history. She was no longer simply Mary, no longer alone in herself. How astonishing is the news the angel has just given her! The God she loves above all else has called her name; called her to come receive the most splendid gift. He chose Mary, and she chose Him. And in an instant the God whom the universe cannot contain was safely tucked inside the darkness of her womb, growing and becoming. Though she could not feel Him yet, He was there. Not just in spirit now, but in her… part of her as He’d never been part of anyone before.

Weeks pass…she looks no different, yet she is the chamber that now protects the Holy One as He grows.

Then one day out of the blue she feels Him! That first exhilarating movement that feels like bubbles… so slight yet unmistakably baby. Mighty God now softly stirs with delicate arms and tiny legs. He formed the vast oceans and filled them with marvelous creatures, and now He floats quietly in the warm, pure sea created only for Him.

Soon He is kicking her, pushing her, and forcefully! He enjoys doing flips in this private pool; His ears now hear the sound of her voice, and He is quickly taking up more and more space in her body. He has always occupied her heart, and now she looks down at her round belly, places her hand over the spot where He kicks, and marvels at how He has taken her over. She eagerly awaits the moment when she can kiss His tiny face, count tiny fingers and toes, and hold Him close to her heart…the heart He captured long ago.

Finally, the appointed hour comes, and He who gives life to every man and creature now waits for His own birth. I AM the LIFE waits for His first breath. She must deliver her Redeemer. And suddenly, there He is in her arms! Eternity was cradled sleeping in her lap.

The mighty, sovereign Lord she bowed before was now wearing the skin of her own flesh and nursing at her breast! To be twice overcome with fierce and tender love; once as a mother for her child, and again as a servant daughter of her Savior.

What exquisite joy and affection she must have felt to smell the sweetness of His head, feel the softness of His new baby skin (all parents know there’s nothing better than baby skin), hear His baby sighs and snores, and snuggle His warm little body against her own in sleep. Heaven on earth – literally – and every moment was hers to savor. How indescribably sweet! No mother has ever known greater joy, nor ever will.

Yet she who was blessed with such an unspeakable gift also bore the greatest sorrow of any mother on earth. She gave Him life, raised Him, taught Him, tended Him, and adored Him only to suffer with Him the cruel death that would bring us Life.

By His Incarnation a holy mother was born. And as though the blood He shed on the cross wasn’t gift enough, in His magnanimity He gave to us heaven’s most fragrant rose.

Now the Mother of the Savior is our mother, and how blessed we are to have the guiding light of her obedience and humility to illumine our lives and show us the way of faithfulness.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus, and do not delay! Blessed Mother, give us your heart so beautiful, so pure, so immaculate, so full of love and humility that we might receive Jesus and love Him and you loved Him!

Seriously?

2010-12-20T12:30:00.002-05:00

Honestly, I don't know that I deserve to be a mother. There are times, like today, that I cannot believe the unreasonable and mean things that come out of my mouth! I know there is something that takes over and then I spend the rest of the day or week or month replaying the scenario in my head only to come to the conclusion that my kids might be better off without me. Especially my daughter. She's so unbelievably special and kind-hearted and sweet and helpful and patient and tender and, yet, I seem to reserve my anger for her because I look at her as everything I should be and I'm not! Yeah, that's certainly sick - I know! I see her look at me with the greatest love even though I'm yelling at her for not hanging her clothes on a hanger. I know that there is nothing wrong with correcting her when she needs it but for not hanging up her clothes? All she'd have to do is take a gander at her mother's room and see I don't even like to do it! Yet, I continue like some sort of delusional idiot until I feel some sort of sick satisfaction over the whole thing. But, what I think is sick satisfaction is not satisfaction at all...it is a humongous sense of remorse and shame.

I'm all these kids have in the way of a parent and I get caught up in the whole concept of what it means for me. It is a huge amount of pressure, yes, but it could also be a huge opportunity to be a rock star! Not in the "I want my kids to be my friends" kind of a way but more like as an example of Christian living. I'm all but sure that the example I gave my daughter this morning looked nothing like a shining example of anything but cruelty! Why? Because she didn't hang up her clothes and her toys were not put away nicely? And that means what? It means more work for me? Oh brother! That second cup of milk that Keagan wants at lunch time irritates me why? Because it means I'd have to stuff away my own selfish want to sit and eat my own lunch? Holy cow, get over it!

This all happens smack dab in the middle of Christmas time. A time of waiting until we celebrate the glorious gift of Jesus' birth. I've been reading a lot about the journey of the Holy Family and what Joseph must have endured. I wonder if he went nuts over clothes not being hung up in the closets? He was probably a little more concerned about finding shelter for the Savior and the Blessed Mother but let's not split hairs, right? UGH!

Are You Ready?

2010-12-18T23:33:00.002-05:00

I guess the title should really be "Am I Ready?" The question does not refer to whether or not the Christmas presents are bought and wrapped but is my heart ready to welcome Jesus? Is it always ready? Do I prepare daily for the coming of Jesus into my heart, into my house, into my life?

Yeah, I'm Talking to You!

2010-12-15T11:06:00.002-05:00

Because I'm lazy and just haven't been too inspired to write much, I took this from another blog and I am reposting it!

The next time you feel like GOD can't use YOU, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...
AND Lazarus was dead!

First Snow Pictures of 2010

2010-12-06T14:41:00.002-05:00

These are just a few of our snow pictures. We have since gotten about 6-8 more inches but that happened while the kids were at school. And, since we are still in History Day H...(I won't call it what I really want to call it), it won't be until at least Wednesday that the kiddos will get some serious snow time!!

YAY SNOW!!!!!!!!!

Danny & Annie - StoryCorps

2010-12-02T17:11:00.001-05:00

I like to check out the StoryCorps website to see if there are new stories and this one popped up. It is the most amazing story but not because of some flash and some tragedy but simply because Danny & Annie love each other. Perhaps it is because I am going to be married soon that this struck me so profoundly. Click on the link and enjoy!

xo

Danny & Annie - StoryCorps

Joseph's Lullaby

2010-11-30T00:11:00.000-05:00

No Apologies

2010-11-29T21:47:00.003-05:00

I need to vent! I'm tired of people lecturing me that it is not appropriate to sing/celebrate/decorate for Christmas until the official start of Advent. Yes, Advent began so do I have permission to allow my kids to sing Jingle Bells in kindergarten? Really? He gets a check by his name for singing a Christmas song before Thanksgiving was over? R.E.A.L.L.Y? I'm tired of hearing the lecture from many people when I mentioned that I loved that Christmas music was playing on the radio long before Thanksgiving was even here!! I'm sick of the scrooges that complain about hating Christmas because they have no money for presents. These are the same ding-dongs that lecture me on how the early playing and the early decorating for Christmas commercializes Christmas. Umm...what?

I know the reason for the season and have people thought that this is just the reason that I hold Christmas so dear? I love that things are getting chilly outside because it "forces" us inside to be still and together as a family. I love the Christmas music - not necessarily "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" but I love "Away in a Manger" and "Silent Night" and "The Little Drummer Boy" and "O Come All Ye Faithful" and...

Why do I feel the need to defend my love of Christmas? I love that it is a time to stop and remember Jesus during these long and quiet days and nights. I love this time of year where I can stop all of the pettiness (and I do!) and focus on the exact thing I'd like to purchase my sisters or my sons or my daughter to show them how much I love them. This gift may be a little something or a big something but the intent is the same. I take the sentiments that I feel from my relationship with my Heavenly Father and I try to translate it to my loved ones. It isn't in the gift itself, it's just in the act of thinking about the particular loved one that brings me the greatest joy.

So, please don't give me any more grief for longing for snow while being tired of the drizzly rain that keeps us all depressed and wet (IN NOVEMBER) Don't give me grief for welcoming Christmas and all of its joy and blessings and togetherness. Don't give me grief for wanting to find a world that is Christmas 24/7 not because of the materialistic aspects of this particular day but because I want to hold tight the sacredness and the warmth of this awesome day in which our Savior was given to the world through our amazing Mother!

Perhaps, the rest of the world needs to embrace Christmas as part of their everyday lives instead of finding some reason to hate it all. As for me, I'll be the one with glistening tears in her eyes because of the amount of love that is bubbling within her heart. Yeah, I'm that cheesy about Christmas!

Take Care of One Another

2010-11-22T13:24:00.002-05:00

Royal News!

2010-11-18T10:59:00.004-05:00

Well, crud! That royal couple from England just stole my thunder and announced their engagement. Now I'll be competing with the bride-to-be for gowns, tiarras, and Neil Lane diamond-encrusted wedding bands! I suppose she wants to travel to the church in a horse-drawn carriage with an armed escort, too? Great! I'll have to revamp everything or else I fear society will think that she copied me! Sheesh!

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

2010-11-08T10:16:00.005-05:00

I posted this because I just like the snow picture!!

So, I went to my future home this past weekend to find a good school(s) for the kiddos. We started off by going to a fundraiser for a small, independent Catholic school (meaning=they are independently funded but still adhere to all of the Catholic teachings) It was a beautiful night and I met a lot of wonderful people that value their Catholic faith very much. At the end of the evening, I did determine that it wasn't the school for Murphy as they will only have 11 kids in the 8th grade next year and he needs more of a stepping stone into high school. I'm worried for Briege as there were kids there putting on a "show" by having a trivia contest. 5th graders were answering what the meaning of Latin words were! What? I think Briege is totally capable but I don't want her to feel like she's lost if that kind of work load is over her head. Keagan - well, he's my wild card! He's young enough to go anywhere but I wonder how they deal with his behavior "issues"?

We went to a brief open house at the all-girl Catholic high school, down the street. I love that it's all girls. I think that kind of learning behavior would benefit all kids - even at this age. I love the school. It has an amazing performing arts center, a huge gym, state of the art science and computer labs, and even a gift shop. A gift shop??? Yep! My only issue with it is...please don't send me hate letters...all girl schools tend to be rather liberal in their mindset. They push the feminist agenda and it's not always the agenda that I think is very feminine. It can be especially troubling in a Catholic setting because the tendency can be to teach the young women that they are being oppressed because women cannot be ordained as priests or that their role in the Church is secondary. I find that to be totally false so it would be my job to instill that in Briege. I do not know that this happens at this particular high school but I do know that it happens overwhelmingly at all-girl/women Catholic schools (both collegiate and other)

I'm trying to figure out the best possible case for a seamless transition for the kids and I. I'm certain that whatever decision we make, will turn out for the best. I'm also certain that there will be some pain involved. I'm very sad to be leaving the school that my kids are in right now. More so for Murphy than for the other two. He has some great friends and I happen to like their parents as well. This has been a gift to me to be able to call these people my friends and I will miss them terribly.

But...

I am ready to start my new life with Bill. I'm ready to forge ahead and make decisions with my new husband for the good of the family. When you grow up, like I have, you tend to make every decision a group one. This hasn't been all bad but there are times that it has been hard to "buck the system" and decide for myself things affecting my life and the lives of my children. I will most certainly miss my family - I can hardly begin to think about it!! However, with each step towards independence (which is what I feel this will be) I feel a great urgency to get the details accomplished and begin my life anew.

It's much easier talking about all of this in the abstract. Don't ask me to talk about it when it becomes a reality! I'm not sure I'll be able to verbalize any of it!

Hen-pecked!

2010-10-28T10:46:00.005-04:00

A friend has a magnet on her refrigerator that says, "Being a mother can sometimes feel like being hen-pecked by chickens!" I must be chicken feed because I feel pecked to death! Either it's keeping my oldest from being mean to his sister or it's keeping my youngest from plotting some sort of mischievous plan to take over the school. I have friends that only have boys and they say they couldn't imagine their lives any better because girls are a headache. Well, let me tell you a little secret: Girls may have a little more drama but they are loyal and care about more than their own little piece of the world.

It's got to be something that I'm doing wrong with my sons. Maybe they needed me to be more motherly with them instead of the task-master that I tend to be day in and day out! I've tried to support their interests while also teaching them that the world doesn't revolve around them but the results have not been promising. I have one son that would rather pull out his own eyelashes than attend anything that didn't involve a sporting event. No, a sporting event that HE likes. There had better be something in it for him or beware the wrath - UGH! The other son likes to bully his way around a room. Not in the traditional bully way but he wears you down with his complaining and nagging that one is in tears because he just won't stop!

I know there are wonderful qualities that they both have and I should now name them all but I'm too frustrated to do it in this post! I just, for once, would like someone to tell me, "Oh, you're Keagan's mom...he's such a thoughtful young man" Instead I get phone calls from his K.I.N.D.E.R.G.A.R.T.E.N. teacher telling me that he has 3 conduct marks so he will miss his recess and that he pulled a boy's pants down in gym glass which, technically, is grounds for suspension! Fabulous! Let me make room on my trophy shelf for the Mom Award! What do I do?

I think I'm going to start reading my book about St. Augustine again. He was quite the scoundrel but his mother just kept on praying for him. Perhaps, that's all I can do along with a firm hand and a gentle spirit. So, if St. Monica would like to send me a loud message on how to survive raising boys, that would be great!! And, for all of you mothers raising only boys, I say WHEW!

Rocky River

2010-10-27T08:47:00.004-04:00

I'm ready to move! I'm ready to begin my life in a new city with the man that I shall call my husband (if THAT ever happens) I've really struggled trying to make these statements feel real in my heart and they are beginning to take root. Worrying about furniture placement, schools, leaving family and friends, and the like all pale in comparison to how much I love Bill. I'd truly be willing to follow him anywhere (don't tell him that as he'd like to move somewhere off the grid and I don't do "off the grid")

For me, this is all a matter of trust. I need to trust that Bill will not abandon me in a new city for long periods at a time with only our house and my kids to keep me company. I've been down that road before and it, quite literally, almost killed me. So, I'm trying desperately to trust that this will be new and not a repeat of things in the past. I need to trust that I will make a new life for our family in the beautiful city of Rocky River and that it won't be left to just me and the kids vs. the big, bad, unknown town. I've been down that road as well and I am terrified of where it led me/us.

I just need to trust. It is required for the health and well-being of my children, my future husband, and myself for me to trust.

I trust...I trust...I trust...

Happy Birthday, Briege Marie

2010-10-25T08:25:00.003-04:00

My darling, sweet, baby girl is 11 today!! She is such a joy for me to have in my life. I say this so many times but I'm just not sure how I was so blessed to have God gift me my beautiful daughter. Her kind heart and gentle spirit remind me, daily, of God's immense love for me. She has taught me that sometimes it is more important to be silly than it is to be busy. She has taught me that it only takes 2 seconds to brighten some one's day with a smile or a kind word. She has taught me that talent comes in all sorts of packages and she's amazing in so many ways! She's a cantor at Mass, she loves to try all of the sports, she is on student government, she's an excellent student, she is a peacemaker and wants everyone to feel love. I love this girl so much!!
Happy birthday, dearest Briege!

Can't See the Forest for the Trees

2010-10-21T18:55:00.003-04:00

Definition: overly concerned with detail; not understanding the whole situation

Explanation: Used when expressing that a person is focusing too much on specific problems and is missing the point

Examples: I'm afraid you can't see the forest for the trees. - She often can't see the forest for the trees and needs to have the most relevant points explained to her.

I'm stressing out, folks! I am overwhelmed with all that has been put in my lap. I'm struggling to figure out how to get my minor house repairs completed (and how to pay for them), how to find the time to sell my house (and keep it show-worthy clean), how to find the right school for my kids (in a city that I know nothing about), how to get my fiance motivated to fix the major things wrong with his house (in a city that I know nothing about), how to find the time to meet with my priest in order to do our pre-marital counseling (with a fiance that lives 3 1/2 hours away), how to de-clutter a house that has 3 kids that currently live in it (with 2 other little kids that are here 2-3 times a week), how to figure out 2 History Day projects with 2 totally different personality-wise kids (I'll let you figure out which one has been easier), how to complete the flip-flappin' PE homework (don't get me started on the insane, ridiculous, time-wasting, stupid assignment...I mean it, don't get me started), how to fit 2 household's furniture into 1 house (in a city...yep, you know the rest)

So, as I began typing this little tirade (or big?) the image of a forest sprung to my mind. Am I too focused on the details of getting married and less focused on the fact that I am about to marry the most amazing, spiritual, smart, handsome, talented, sensitive man on the planet? Yes, on the planet! I've been so blessed to have him come into my life. I stress because he's not here! I want to spend every waking (and non-waking) moment with him and I can't! I hate that we live 3 1/2 hours away and so a quick "drop-in" just isn't possible.

I am trying to focus on the bigger picture, I really am. But, it's all those darn little issues that are in the way so all I see is this big, thick forest and I cannot, for the life of me, see one solitary tree! At this point, I know, I should turn to prayer. I have turned to my Rosary, my Bible, my devotionals, my crazy little chats with God but not nearly enough. Naturally, I wait until I cannot see straight because of the forest and then I cry out to God to help me find my way. I know it's a natural and human thing but why can't I just GO.DIRECTLY.TO.GOD.FIRST? Argh!!!

Forgive me, Father...Again!

Birthday

2010-10-18T15:53:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe he turned 20! How is it possible that not just one but TWO decades have passed since I gave birth to a special baby boy? It is surreal to think about the fact that I have this adult-type person with some of my genetic makeup running around this great world! I pray that God has graced (and is gracing) him with love, safety, security, faithfulness, wisdom, joy, and so much more. Happy birthday, dear JJ!

Beautiful by MercyMe

2010-10-12T21:07:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday!

2010-10-10T21:26:00.004-04:00

Happy 13th birthday to my sweet, loving boy! Murphy has challenged me this year to see him as an emerging young man! He's challenged me to find a way to tweak the way that I approach our conversations. He's challenged me to be more creative in my open displays of love ;) But, one thing that he has never challenged me on is how MUCH I love him. He is receptive and loving right back at me. He hugs and kisses me in front of his friends and he teases me with a funny wit that I really love!

Happy 13th birthday, Murphy!!! I love you more than my shoes!!! Thank you, God, for the greatest of all birthday gifts - the birth of my son!! I pray that I will continue to help him reach his potential in all walks of life. He's well on his way!

Struggle

2010-10-05T12:35:00.006-04:00

I'm going through a bit of a struggle lately. It's not my "normal" struggle but one that has persistently crept into my heart and won't leave. I'd like to think it's because God has planted it there for a reason. I know it's because He planted it there! It has opened up all sorts of questions and concerns.

It all began with one little form from my kid's school wellness office. It was a non-threatening note to remind me to get my kids immunizations updated. It is state law for my kids to have the whole gauntlet of vaccines or else they are excluded from school. These immunizations are for things like Pertussis, Meningitis, and, the dreaded Chicken Pox. What? It is state mandated for my children to be vaccinated against the Chicken Pox? Since when did the Chicken Pox become such a rampant source of death? Didn't our parents intentionally infect us with it when the neighbor kids got it? "Oh, Suzie has the Chicken Pox? We'll be right over and be sure that Suzie's pox aren't scabbed over yet!" Wasn't that how the conversation went for most of us?

Do I want my children (or anyone's children) to be in pain or to suffer with any kind of irritation? Absolutely not! Have we all gone a little ape doo-doo over this? In my opinion, YES! How many of you know what one of the active ingredients in the Varicella (Chicken Pox) vaccine is?
Varivax chickenpox Merck & Co., Inc.
varicella live virus neomycin phosphate, sucrose, and monosodium glutamate (MSG) processed gelatin, fetal bovine serum, guinea pig embryo cells, albumin from human blood, and human diploid cells from aborted fetal tissue

Is this acceptable? I've been going over to pray next to the abortion clinic for over 2 years now but I'm mandated by the state to legally inject my children with cells from aborted fetal tissue? Ummm...I spend quite a bit of money to send my kids to a Catholic grade school just so I don't have the state telling me what to teach my kids, when to teach my kids, and what to do with my kids. I know we don't live in a vacuum but I do think that it should afford me/us the right to control what is happening to our children. And, by the way, I feel it is only right that I tell you that I love my children's school - the priest is amazing, the principal is terrific, the teachers are great, the families are loyal. I, however, have a problem with vaccinating my children using vaccines with aborted tissue in them (hate the label tissue when referring to the children lost through abortion)

So, you think you're safe just avoiding the Varicella for those reasons? Think again...Rubella vaccines, Hepatitis A vaccines, Rabies vaccines, MMR vaccines, and MR vaccines all contain "human diploid cells from aborted fetal tissue". This does not even cover the amount of mercury that is in all vaccines. Yes, they are creating more and more vaccines without mercury but they are trading mercury for other "safer" radioactive ingredients.

Where do I go from here? The diocesan nurse called me as she was told that I have some issues with the vaccines. I love this woman - she is sweet and was kind and understanding throughout our conversation. However, she is in the medical profession and so I did get the standard line about it not being aborted fetal tissue - it comes from tissue from miscarried babies. Oh, well then ok! Yikes! I also got the warning that if there is an outbreak of disease, my kids will be excused from school. Really? I think if there is an outbreak of disease at the school, I'm gonna keep them home anyway! We've gone ape doo-doo!

I am really not trying to be a conspiracy-laden nut job! I want only the best for my children while also making informed decisions so that we all can go before God and say that we fought the good fight. To say that I feel like I'm on an island all alone, would not be too far from the truth. To say that I want my Church to stand up for the unborn and against the predatory abortion industry and say no to vaccines, would be entirely accurate!

The problem grows because I am constantly worried that someone might declare me an unfit mother or, worse yet (oh brother!), they might not like me! I guess that I should prepare myself for the points and the stares and the talk because I have a very large problem with vaccinating my children after all that I've read from reliable sources. (You may ask me for my sources if you'd like)

Oh yeah, I promise to keep my kids out of school in the event of an outbreak of disease. Good Lord, I pray we all would know to keep our kids out of school for such an event.

Let the mud-slinging begin!

Not the Same

2010-09-22T22:17:00.002-04:00

I've decided not to post the few things that I had written. I feel it's best as a conversation between God and me. The subjects were marriage, submission, obedience, and guidance. Since we all have a different reality, I felt as though it would have been perceived as judgmental for me to "force" my idea of marriage and the rest on anyone else. It wasn't written to be judgmental because it was truely my own path but it really is best that it just be a chit-chat with My Father and me!

Now, everyone can go back to their lives! I know that the curiosity was just eating you all alive!!!!!!!

I do want to share with you a blog post from an amazing woman that has chosen to stay single and be married to God (but different than an ordained religious). She spends her life going where God calls her and this time she is in Tanzania working at an orphanage. Her posts are always so heartfelt and full of discipline and obedience, but, mostly, they are full of love. It's as though the Lord talks to me through her. When I look around at piles of clothes and layers of dust and start to feel like a failure, I read her posts and I stop to be thankful that my children are tucked away after having been loved and kissed and hugged and bathed. So many children don't have that and Mary is there with just her 2 hands loving on so many babies and toddlers. Amazing!

A Day in the Life in the Orphanage

A day in the life….
This is my normal daily routine in the mornings here at the orphanage in Moshi (Tanzania):

4:30-4:45am –I wake up before the alarm goes off at 5am. I usually pray a Chaplet and then really ‘get up’ at 5am. After a trip to the bathroom and taking my malaria pills, I begin morning prayer in my room.

6:00am –I begin to get ready for the day.

6:30am –Holy Mass begins

7:00am –breakfast consisting of coffee and bread and butter (or with a little ‘jam’ for those who want –the ingredients on the jar of jam says: ‘mixed fruit jam.’ What’s in it? )

7:45am –I finish eating breakfast and I return to my room to get what I need for the morning. I hear the babies crying and so I try to hurry.

8:00am –It is raining today, so the children are inside the ‘play room’ instead of outside. I go to check on the older ones. I open the door and they all come running –biting and hitting each other to be the first one close. I try to correct them as I can. My Swahili is coming along –slowly, although I should try to be patient with myself, since I’ve only been here a week. I hug and kiss and bless each one. One wants a book read, another wants me to sing and he begins to clap, a third is hording the blocks in the corner and takes advantage of the chaos to steal a few more pieces from the hands of the younger ones –more crying ensues. I wipe tears. So many tears. I’ve never seen so many tears as I have here. Sometimes I feel like my entire existence is simply to be Jesus’ little rag wiping their tears. I try to greet and engage each child with something to play, giving a bit more attention to those who are especially craving it this morning. The floor is wet with urine –the students ‘mop’ it up as they can, but all it looks to me like they do is spread it everywhere. Those toys are now wet. I wish the children would be organized better here. I see one child hit another to steal his toy, but I cannot interfere because five others are clinging so close to my legs that I cannot walk. I call the ‘victim’ over to comfort him and then I simply close my eyes and pray. After 30 minutes I must go –my babies are still crying and I know they are all wet and will be hungry soon. If only the students would love and care for them as real mothers –but really how can I expect that of them –they are young and doing the best as they know how. But my heart aches from all the cries and tears. Jesus, send the angels again today to love and reach where my hands simply cannot.

8:30 am –I enter the baby room. The babies stop crying for a moment or two to smile at me. I begin to sing our songs and some clap, others ‘dance’ by shaking their hands and heads or jumping up and down. Most are dry this morning (or at least their rubber pants are doing the job). One gets an idea –he starts to cry to get my attention. I go to him to kiss his forehead and another realizes what has happened –he tries to cry too. I go over and speak to him. Suddenly the room is a chorus of cries once more. All my fault –cries caused by my love. It is true that when you ignore the babies they don’t cry so much and become content –but they also close off emotionally. I can’t do that. I simply make sure that each is loved. I pick up Fredrick –he gets to be my ‘favorite’ for a while this morning. He’s been so sick with malaria and I have to give priority to those who feel the worst. Its amazing how jealous even little ones a few months old can become when they see another child held or smiled at –I try to spread the love. I begin to change them in turn –along with their sheets. When the students come in to help, I leave them to the work as I hear the two littlest ones screeching in the next room. As the older children are changed, they are laid on a blanket spread out on the floor to play. James follows me to the door of the newborn room, crying for me to pick him up –but I already changed and loved him, and I know that little Brian and Miriam have been crying. I have to leave him, but the 20 minutes I am gone he sits inconsolable by the door crying his soul out and banging on the door. Once the two are changed I take the two little ones out with me to the big room and sit on a child’s chair (I cannot sit on the floor with the babies because 1-year-old Jonah thinks it is funny to ‘poke’ them) so that at least James can stand with his head on my lap to cry. It does the trick and he stops and begins to play around me. And the rest of the babies notice –they all crawl over to me and soon there is a baby brawl for my attention. All of them who can crawl and pull themselves up (about 6 of them) are fighting for my lap. I try to make room for them all somehow while holding the two newborns. Where did the student helpers go? Maybe the babies are crying, but at least they are close to me and I can sing. I remembered something my spiritual father told me once –‘You can’t take the cross from all people, but you can climb on it and just be with them in Love while they are there’. That is what I did this morning with my babies –at least I was with them. Finally about 25 minutes a sister comes in by chance –she laughs at me surrounded by a chorus of so many babies grappling for my love and she helps me rearrange them and find something to make them happy. I take the opportunity to get up and put the little ones down –one of the three-month-olds is screaming in his crib. He has spit up and is laying on his tummy on sheets wet from both his diaper and his mouth. As I go to change his clothes he smiles as if to say ‘thank you,’ but James (angry that I moved from my chair close to him) is following at my feet screaming for me to pick him up. I have to love the neediest –I cannot always care for the same one –they all deserve to be dry, to be fed, to be hugged, to be smiled at –but I do try to give extra love to those who are begging. The little ones start to wail again as the students bring in the food for the others. I go to re-arrange the little ones and come out to 5 screaming babies again. The students go about their work, feeding the one in front of them –but they are all hungry and crying. So although I can only feed one, I try to console and love them all in some way. I take James to feed and I struggle to calm him down enough to eat. Although he stops wailing, tears are still streaming down his cheeks and they fall into the cup of tea I try to give him to drink. I think of Scripture where it says ‘their tears are mixed with their food day and night.’ While I feed him, I pull the other 5 over to lean on my lap and cry as I work –Miriam cries again. I go to bring her and as I hold her with my left hand, feeding James with my right and comforting Janet, Jonas, Joyce, Irene and Omary with my hand between spoonfuls. I begin to sing and say, ‘sh, sh, sh’ to Fredrick and Ester yelling in the corner. They stop when they hears my voice and Ester smiles. What a gift to my heart aching to console them all. I notice that the ones crying have very runny noses. But I have nothing to wipe them but my skirt –so 1,2,3,4,5 –all in my apron. There is no way I could stand up to get a cloth with them all on top of me like this. Its times like these having a clone or two would be very helpful. Jonas walks away from me, leaving me a bit more free to feed James –but he goes right for the dirty diapers again. He’s got that ‘trouble antenna’ and always finds things to do that he shouldn’t. He really should be out with the toddlers (especially since he steals the little babies’ toys), but they were waiting for his twin sister to become more steady on her feet. They like to move twins together –but he really needs to leave and she still needs ‘baby love.’ While all this is going on, suddenly the toddlers outside the window see me –they all somehow know that I love them, so they prefer me to others. Three of the two-year-olds come running to the window to knock and yell to me. I try to give them attention amongst doing all the rest.

11:20 –Finally all the children are fed and they should go down for naps. A few are complaining, but I know they are dry, fed and have each been held and loved by me this morning. As I go to leave to take my break I hear Brian crying again. That baby really can’t stand to be wet –which is hard because with cloth diapers and no rubber pants, you constantly need to keep changing him. I change him and see he is hungry. I ‘cheat’ –they are supposed to be on a strict schedule, but he is so little and he kept falling asleep eating in the morning. I take his unfinished bottle and let him quickly eat so that at least I can lay him down half-contented so that I can change Miriam again.

11:50 -It is quiet for a moment and I try again to run out the door before someone cries or sees me. Its one thing when I leave my nieces and nephews (even if they are crying) I know that their mothers will comfort them. But it is so hard when I have to rip someone from me crying and the students aren’t as comforting as a mother –but I simply cannot spend 24/7 with the same child. Every morning when 2 ½ year-old Noela (she was born on Christmas) sees me she runs to cling to me. She never speaks –I’ve never heard her open her mouth –but when I have to leave to go to the babies she cries as her heart is broken. I am very happy that she has been chosen for adoption soon. That little girl really needs love! I try to love powerfully enough in the short time I am there to fill their hearts ‘enough’ –its my little 5 loaves and 3 fish –Jesus will have to multiply and make it ‘enough’ for their hearts’ needs. I hope my prayer and His Love can fill in where my bodily presence is insufficient. And I pray that my example can transform the way the other ‘mamas’ and students interact with the children. I have already noticed a change, so it gives me hope. They change their wet diapers and clothes more often, sing to them more often, smile more often. Can little ol’ me change a Tanzanian orphanage in 4 short weeks? It is my goal –to fill them with Jesus’ Love –so that when I leave His Love can continue to bear fruit. But in order to do this, I have to have time with Him in prayer. It is His Love I must share with them. Not my own –for mine could never heal hearts, change minds, lift spirits as His can. Lord, give me the strength and time to pray more in the midst of this. I can usually never leave until I know that no one is crying –and then I run out quickly because if I hear a cry I have to come back in to fix their need. I guess it’s the heart of a mother –it seems selfish to me to go and drink tea or pray if I leave a baby crying and wet or lonely. I am the only mom they have. I have to give my all. But I also have to spend some time with Jesus –I have to have His Love in order to give His Love. And the needs of these children are so great that simply human love is not enough –they need Divine Love. They have been so rejected, abandoned and wounded by these experiences. Oh Mary, be their Mother. Joseph, stand watch over their cribs at night. Angels, sing to them for me. I can’t believe it is only 12noon.

Lunch is at 12:15 –lunch and dinner here are almost the exact same every day some combination of the following: plain rice, potatoes or pasta; ‘green vegatables’ (a form of spinach mixture); a form of beans; and sometimes tomatoes or cucumbers. Once or twice a week they have a meet sauce. Usually they have fruit on the table for one meal –either a banana, orange, passion fruit, watermelon or ‘oxen heart’ (I’ve never heard of it or seen it before, but it is sweet and good).

1:00pm –I head back to my room for a few minutes before I go over to the babies again. Between 1:15-2:00 I am back with the children.
After lunch we repeat the morning again for the afternoon –hopefully I can take 5 of the babies out for a walk in the sunshine –that usually helps their moods. I wrap one on me, squish a few in a stroller and let the ones who can walk hold on to the stroller. This afternoon the German sister could not stay with me, but the babies were all crying to go outside. She left me with one wrapped on me, four doubled up in strollers, another in my hands and two toddling around. Then the little boys saw me out the windows as they were getting dressed (a wedding party was coming to visit and bring gifts), so they grabbed their shoes and I found myself surrounded by 5 more little boys wanting help with their shoes and hugs for their hearts. The only way I can reach all of them is to entertain and love the by singing. Little Polycarp (who is not little at all) is jealous for my lap –which makes me happy because he was abandoned, no one chooses him for adoption, he does not speak and since he was a little baby he cries all the time. He is one of my special projects here. But this afternoon he doesn’t understand that he can’t get closer to me than where he is already on my lap –so he keeps pushing against me to get closer and closer. After 45 minutes I’m happy when the students appear again. That was a lot of work (8 babies and 5 toddler boys) for one set of eyes, hands and heart. By 4pm I will have to try to head back to my room to handwash some clothes –a daily chore –and at least wipe-down a little before prayer. I am so dirty everyday –what I would give for a real shower and washing machine! But once again today I don’t get out until 5pm –Miriam was screaming and I won’t leave a screaming baby. When the ‘mama’ finally comes in with her bottle (and I rejoice that I can be free to go) my heart sinks as she brings two chairs with her and says, ‘You do Miriam, and I’ll do Brian.’ I guess it is only fair that they both eat at once. So once she is fed, changed again for the night and comfortable, I tiptoe out so that the others don’t see me.

5:30-6pm -I head to the chapel for evening prayers.
Dinner at 7pm.
Back to my room by 8pm to finish laundry, ‘shower’ with my bucket of water, pray, etc. and hopefully find myself in bed before 9:30. Just a bit of my life here.
Fiat. +

Just Ponderin'

2010-09-15T12:22:00.002-04:00

I have a few posts up my sleeve but I'm really weighing on whether or not to post them as I know that they may conjure up some anger in my HUGE readership. I know this blog is for me and my realities and my journey but I just don't want to stir a hornets nest if my words are not taken the way I intend them.

Geez...have I built up enough drama? So, reader(s), I'm going to pray about this some more and then I'll make the decision on whether it is best for me to keep these thoughts between God and me or if it might be ok to publish this for the world to read.

Vanilla

2010-09-10T10:06:00.003-04:00

Well, I got tagged to complete a list of things that I've done in my life that surprise(d) me. It's a difficult thing for me to do because my life seems so vanilla. Don't get me wrong, I like vanilla - it is the basis for all of the other yummy things in life: hot fudge sundaes, creamy paint colors, etc. But, for those pressing their nose in on my vanilla life, vanilla probably seems extremely boring but here goes:
Ten Things I Did That Still Surprise the Hell Out of Me:

1. Had a baby at 19 and survived the adoption, the break-up, and the fall-out.

2. Played volleyball AND softball at the collegiate level. All while maintaining a 3.8 GPA

3. Survived college at all given my lifestyle.

4. Gave birth to 3 wonderful children who have still survived despite my shortcomings.

5. Endured 13 packings, loadings, and movings in 15 years.

6. Learned to truly offer up my sufferings when in a 3 year span I lost my beloved grandmother, experienced 2 late-term miscarriages, and endured the loss of my husband and father of my 3 children.

7. Got on an airplane for the first time ever at age 26 and flew to Medjugorje via Amsterdam by myself!!!!!!!!!

8. Got to see Alaska (whales, snow-capped mountains, moose, icebergs, glaciers)

9. I have been blessed to fall in love with the most amazing man. This surprises me because I was fully prepared to live my life without this kind of love in my life.

10.

I'm leaving the list at 9 because I'm saving #10 for what's to come. I am open to so many new experiences in my life and I can't wait to keep surprising myself with new things...even if they're vanilla!

New Pics

2010-09-08T20:51:00.007-04:00

Well, I'm back! I finally got the virus-infected computer back from the Geek Squad! Is there someone that I can send my $300 invoice to that is responsible for the viral outbreak on my hard drive? Seriously, wouldn't that be awesome if there was some sort of recource against the morons that create the viruses? It's funny, I only hear about the outbreak of such viruses but I never hear anyone being caught having infected a slew of computers with said virus(es).

All is well...for now!

Misc. pictures from the latter part of Summer:

Still waiting...

2010-08-24T14:46:00.002-04:00

Still waiting for the results of what the heck is wrong with my computer! I hate this! I should spend my free time, exercising, praying, cleaning, exercising, painting, exercising, etc. but I'd much rather waste time on the computer!!

Gee, I wonder if this might not be a divine suggestion from God above that I should use my time a little more wisely?

UGH!

Stinkin' Virus

2010-08-05T15:54:00.003-04:00

I'm at my sister's house writing this short little blurb for the blog. I have a stinkin' computer virus on my computer. I can't open a single item on my desktop - not the pictures, not the internet, not the documents, nothing! What the heck?

Do computer geeks (sorry to those nice computer geeks) not have anything to do except for searching for ways to screw with us 'barely-savvy' computer people? What is it that drives these people? I gotta be honest with you...I feel a bit like someone broke into my house. I feel that same sense of invasion or anger that one feels when their space has been robbed or compromised or whatever! I pray I don't lose my pictures - some of which are the only ones I have of Keagan as an infant or my pictures from Florida and Alaska. I pray I don't lose my documents - my eulogy for my grandmother's funeral is on there.

Who's head do I bash for this? What is the recourse? What is the purpose of those morons, those losers, those a*#hol*@, those dorks in their momma's basement? Is this what they feel their purpose is in life? They are given the amazing intelligence to create computer programs and to decifer all sorts of codes (I don't even know how to write about it let alone do what they do) and instead of creating a program that, I don't know, might benefit more than their own narcissistic giggles, they create a virus that could wipe out someone's hard drive! Thank you!

Jerks!

Wow!

2010-07-19T11:42:00.002-04:00

Inspirational Video

2010-07-18T21:47:00.004-04:00

I saw this video on a friend's blog and had to share it on mine! It just goes to show you how amazing God's love is. Despite our attempts at doing what we feel is right and best and smart and informed, sometimes what we need to do is honor the life He gave us, in all forms, and just trust!

Pictures from Alaska

2010-07-16T00:14:00.005-04:00

I'm posting pictures from Alaska as I have no words to describe its beauty. If you ever doubt the amazingness of God, go to Alaska!

Come On!

2010-07-15T14:38:00.003-04:00

I'm soooo over Summer right now! I've been doing rain dances and cool weather dances for about 3 days to no avail! I dread showering only to go and sit in the stands at a baseball game in the upper 90s!! So, all you Summer-lovin' people can have your sweltering heat, your beating sun, your sticky wind, and your stroke-inducing humidity! As for me, I'll be counting down to Fall!

I am, however, enjoying Murphy's All-Star baseball games (despite the crappy heat) I will post pictures and updates later. So far, they've won the first game and they play again tonight! Go East Side!!

It Happened!

2010-07-13T10:14:00.005-04:00

My heart, my love, my gift! Perhaps the most beautiful and exciting part of my trip to Alaska was that Bill proposed and I said yes! Not perhaps...DEFINITELY!!! I know that many people assumed it would happen but I stopped "planning" my life a few years ago. When I met Bill I decided that I would let God lead me on this path and that I would allow (that sentiment makes me laugh as I dare to think that I know better than God!!) things to unfold according to God's time. I trust God and I trust Bill's timing as he has an awesome relationship with God!

It was the 4th of July. We approached the last night in Alaska. We were on a deck in the back of our hotel in Fairbanks, Alaska. We were remarking how we could not believe it was 11:30 pm and the sun was still shining in our eyes. (I realize that these are all incomplete/run-on sentences but I'm just reporting the facts) It was mentioned that we would be back to the grind in one more day. I whined about his broken air conditioner and clogged drain. I closed my eyes for a moment. Bill was on his knee with MY ring in his hand. I cried. He wondered if that meant yes. I cried some more. YES. YES. YES.

It was the one of the sweetest moments of my life. In a flash I tried to recount our conversations leading up to this moment. In horror, I realized that I had had a few cocktails and so my lips were moving a mile a minute! We had spent some time with his brothers and their wives and I think I had mentioned that my bra did not hook in the front - horror!!! (In context: we were talking about how difficult things are for the elderly - things that we take for granted) So, imagine my surprise that, despite my ability (and talent) to let things fly out of my mouth, that this wonderful man still wants me to be his wife!! He is a gift to me. He has done so much to restore my heart. He loves me for who and for what I am and I will spend the rest of our lives showing him how much I love him!

Upon arriving home, all of the giantness (word?) of the the engagement hit me! I'm just as over the moon as I was in Fairbanks - maybe more, if that's possible?! I realize that this means a move to Cleveland for my kids and me. It will be difficult and quite emotional but I don't want to spend one more moment away from this amazing man! I am cleaving and leaving! I trust that God will keep us protected - I can't exactly trust Him in some parts of our lives but not in others!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Here is the beautiful ring that Bill picked out for me (with no assistance from myself or from anyone else)

Alaska!

2010-07-08T09:24:00.003-04:00

It's hard to believe that I went to Alaska! I have lots of thoughts and pictures and such but I'm still just so stinkin' tired that it will have to wait until I have a little more energy!

Suffice it to say, it was spectacular, wonderful, amazing, beautiful, unique, romantic...

Some Summer Shots

2010-06-23T13:09:00.003-04:00

I'm Leaving on a Jet Plane (well a jet plane, then a boat, then a train, then a plane again)

2010-06-22T12:55:00.004-04:00

Well, my countdown is about ready to expire! I've been counting down until my Alaskan cruise for the past 63 days and now it's here! Now it's confession time! Are you all ready for it? I'm a homebody! There, I said it! I don't like to sleep in any other bed except for my own - well, maybe the Ritz-Carlton wouldn't be so bad but who am I kidding, I've never been there either! I've never been west of Chicago (do the western suburbs of Chicago count as going west?) I've only been on an airplane 4 times in my whole life and I've never been on a train or a boat.

Enter all of the emotions! I've been a mess today! I'm freaking out because I need to mow, I need to clean the house, I need to grocery shop, I need to jot down all kid activities, I need to change the linens on the bed, I need... This is all a cover-up to hide the fact that I'm going to miss my kids! I've never been away from them for longer than 2 days! I like being in charge of everything, despite the fact that, at times, I hate being in charge of everything! I'm terrified that when I leave, the kids will be better off with their aunts, uncle, and grandparents than they were with me! Will my toilet be clean enough to trick people into thinking that I am this tidy and organized all of the time? Don't even get me started on the bed linens! I'm confessing (another confession?) that I don't sleep with a top sheet but I will make all of the beds with their top sheets so that the rumor doesn't get out that I'm a barbarian! Don't tell anyone, please!!!!!!!

It is more clear, after re-reading this post, that if ever there was a time that I needed a vacation it is now! Just with the ridiculous amounts of exclamation points it is apparent that I'm a little wound up and could use some vacation time. My thing is that I never feel like I deserve it. I can think of other people that kill themselves being the end all be/all for everyone. I know of one of my friends that is the mother of 3 boys (ugh! The stink!!) who takes care of everything and has a husband out of work (so, that means 4 boys at home) and still manages to me make me laugh all of the time. She could use a cruise to Alaska! I have another friend who is the mother of 3 kids that gives and gives and finally can't take it anymore because she's put up this front that she's the caretaker when all she wants to do is be taken care of a time or two. She could use a cruise to Alaska! I could go on and on thinking of every friend that I know of that deserves this more than I do. But, I'm going, darn it!! I really need this and I'm very excited but so nervous!

Please pray for a safe journey for B, his family, and myself! I can't wait to spend some alone time with B - without the pressures of kids, work, cell phones, family, sports, etc. I sure hope he likes "Mellow Kelly" because I'm not sure I've seen her in a very long time!

Fatherless

2010-06-18T17:05:00.005-04:00

I know that this post will seem sappy and sad but it's more intended to be the mindless wonderings of a girl lacking some serious sleep! It's that time of year again. Father's day has arrived again with the same old confusion. How do we "celebrate" father's day as fatherless children? We aren't sad and we aren't feeling sorry for ourselves, we just don't know how to acknowledge the 1000 pound elephant in the room. We've made our cards for the men in our lives - Uncle Joe, Uncle Kevin, my Dad, etc. but there's always that pause when people realize there are fatherless kids in the room. It's ok, really! We'll spend it like we have the past three years (inevitably at the ballpark on a 90 degree day) together! We'll trudge through this one day set aside to honor fathers and Monday will poke its ugly head to begin another week.

Then come the big questions! You see, father's day is just any day. It's the odd Wednesday or the emotional Friday that throws me for a loop. I've felt like the biggest tool of a mother. Take back my hardware for Mother of the Year...Wait! What? I never won that? Shocker! My 12 year old son is hormonal and is in a constant stew about something unless he's doing what HE wants to do. Heaven forbid I ask the kid to shower, brush his teeth, unload the dishes, or strip the sheets off his bed! Holy Hannah, you'd think that I just pantsed him in front of a bus full of a cheerleaders! Heck, three months ago I could have pantsed him in front of a bus full of cheerleaders and he wouldn't have cared! Now? I dare not even claim to be his mother around certain people. Just ask me how much I respect THAT boundary! Answer is, I don't! I pour it on even more (I guess I don't need to wonder why he doesn't seem to love me anymore!) He's a great kid...to everyone else! I love him but I'm not in love with him anymore. We've officially broken up and I'm the only one crushed by the whole thing. Him? Not so much - or, better yet, not at all! Sniff...sniff...sniff!

So, begging your pardon for my lack of reverence for this day, I'd prefer to skip father's day and bring on Monday!

I love my father, by the way! He's the best and he's always been there for all of his kids! He's now an amazing grandfather and my kids would be lost without him! He certainly fills so many voids in terms of my fatherless children. I could write a book on the amazing men in my life from my brothers to my brother-in-law to my friends and now to the newest man in our life. I'm very blessed to have wonderful people in my life that show my kids (and myself) that there are great men that are also great coaches, great husbands, great priests, and great fathers. The biggest example of this is my Heavenly Father!

Putting aside my cynicism, if for a brief moment, Happy Father's Day!

A Little Something from Basketball Camp

2010-06-17T07:00:00.005-04:00

Gosh! I really love camp! I really, really love camps that have a Christian slant to them and that teach my son (children) that there is more to life than shooting the perfect jumper or pitching the perfect slider. It begins and ends with a good relationship with God.

Murphy has been going to basketball camp and they handed out this little ditty at the end of today's session:

When John Wooden graduated from Centerton Grade School, it was a big occasion. Grade schoolers did not always go on to high school. Children often received a gift from their parents. Joshua Wooden decided to give the gift of wisdom to his son.

On one side of a 3x5 card, Joshua wrote a poem he loved by Rev. Henry Dyke:
Four things a man must do if he would make his life more true->
To think without confusion clearly,
To love his fellow man sincerely,
To act from honest motives purely,
To trust in God and Heaven securely.

On the other side of the card he wrote 7 principles to life:
1. Be true to yourself
2. Help others
3. Make each day your masterpiece
4. Drink deeply from good books - especially the Bible
5. Make friendship a fine art
6. Build a shelter for a rainy day (faith in God)
7. Pray for guidance and counsel and give thanks for your blessings each day

*His dad also gave him a 2 dollar bill and said as long as you keep this 2 dollar bill, you won't be broke...They found the 2 dollar bill in Coach Wooden's wallet after he passed away.

Simple.Amazing.God

Father's Day

2010-06-16T13:07:00.001-04:00

Are You Listening?

2010-06-15T19:48:00.000-04:00

Andrea Bocelli tells a "little story" about abortion.

2010-06-06T20:59:00.000-04:00

Sr. Briege Marie McKenna

2010-06-05T21:35:00.002-04:00

*I got this story from the Da Mihi Animas blog. I have loved Sr. Briege Marie McKenna for many years - I've loved her enough to name my daughter after her so I am proud to share this story on my own!!*

This story is very fitting for the Feast of the Body and Blood of Christ! I received this via an email today and thought that it was a great one to share here. God bless Sr. Briege in her ministry. Have a blessed Feast day!

Today Sister Briege McKenna’s healing ministry is totally centered on the Eucharist. During a special retreat for Sisters a few years ago, she shared a remarkable story of how Jesus led her to this Eucharistic centering.

She said, “I had a big problem. After my own dramatic healing and then receiving the gift of healing others, I was worried because so many people were coming to me.

Many Healings

“In less than one year, so many healings were taking place, that the people wanted to make a saint out of me, even asking for relics… cloth from an old habit, my hair trimmings, etc. I was astounded and disturbed by it… and then there was the way that some people wanted to touch me, as if they would be healed or graced by doing so.

“I loved the people, but I did not like what was happening. There was a danger that, instead of directing people to the Lord or to the Mass, they had come just to see me.

“I certainly knew that, of myself, I had absolutely no power, and that it was Jesus Who was doing the healing; that I was only His chosen instrument. However, even to be chosen by Him was itself an extraordinary gift. Pride could step in, and one could begin to believe that one is better than other people. “In a certain way, I felt that I was becoming a celebrity, and I knew that it was neither true, nor good for my soul.

“I went on a pilgrimage to Lourdes, and begged Our Lady for help. I asked Her, to please keep me in the heart of the Church, and to show me how to integrate this healing ministry into the life of the Church.

“I remember sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament in Exposition one day, just praying to Our Lady. Then I went down to the Grotto.

“A pilgrimage was taking place of mentally handicapped children, and as I watched them being assisted from Mass, I remember thinking and knowing that Mary will show me the way.

Come to El Paso

Sr. Briege came back to America, and three weeks later she got a phone call from Fr. Rick Thomas. He had a special ministry across the border in Mexico. He said to her, “I would love to have you come and visit the poor at the garbage dump and pray with them. You can help with the healings. Their need is so great.”

She explained that given her existing commitments, she had only an evening and a morning available, and he responded, “That’s fine. God doesn’t need a long time. On your way back from California, stop off and stay over night.”

She arrived in El Paso to be met by this very colourful charismatic priest, a man who witnessed to the faith in everything he did. On the one hand, he was normally wearing a Texan hat and Texan boots. On the other hand, “Alleluia” was his favourite word, which he regularly repeated with gusto.

When Sr. Briege arrived, he started jumping up and down with delight, and introduced her to his dog and his donkey. Sr. Briege did not know what to expect next!

The Unforgettable Dump

That evening, they drove directly out to the dump, and he told her, “They do not have a clue as to who you are, and it does not matter. When the time comes, I will just get you to say a prayer with them, and God will do the rest.”

When they arrived at the dump, Sr. Briege witnessed scenes she will never forget. On the Texan border with Mexico, there is the Rio Grande, the river which Mexicans try to cross to get into the U.S. They are driven back by border police. These are poor Mexicans, who squat and live at the garbage dump, and their children, are born there.

As Fr. Rick showed Sr. Briege around, she was horrified by the sheer squalor. She had given retreats in South America, but she had never seen anything like this.

When Fr. Rick told her that he was going to celebrate Mass there for them the next morning, she was somewhat taken aback, wondering how Mass could be celebrated with any dignity in such an environment. What would the people know or understand?

The children were running around wild like little animals. She was horrified at thinking that, in that place with those people; they will not be able to comprehend what happens during Mass. Anyway, the next morning, she, a small group of young Mexican Americans, and Fr. Rick set out for the dump. He brought a little table and all the Mass requirements.

When they arrived, already up to 1000 people were there, and more were coming!

She remembered standing there looking over this crowd of poor miserable people. Clearly visible in the distance, not even fifteen minutes away, were beautiful homes and a big Mexican Seminary. But these people had no church, and indeed, they had nothing. Fr. Rick had taken it upon himself to go out there and to begin evangelizing and ministering to them. He was trying to break down the hatred through speaking of God’s love, and then seeking to get them into groups to do works toward that end.

The Mass

The Mass started, and although Sr. Briege has been a daily communicant since she was 12 years old, she said that that Mass had changed her life! Before the Mass began, she watched an old woman coming in, carrying a bundle on her shoulder. At first, Sr. Briege thought that it was some form of a gift for Fr. Rick.

But, when the old woman opened up the cloth, in it there was a little child, completely burned from head to fool, filthy dirty, and screaming!

The woman looked at Fr. Rick, and with great compassion, she said, “Please bless him. I found him smouldering when I was coming across the mountain.” She had picked him up, put him into this cloth, and carried him to Fr. Rick.

The child was practically skinless! Fr. Rick looked at the little boy, got Sr. Briege to join with him in a prayer, and then suggested that he be placed under the table on which the Mass was to be celebrated. Sr. Briege related that once the Mass had begun, she felt and saw the presence of Jesus. When Fr. Rick said, “Let us say the Gloria,” praises to God came forth from the tops of their voices.

She had come from across the border from comfort. She had everything that she needed, but they had nothing, and yet they praised God loudly and wholeheartedly. She heard the Lord speaking to her, saying, “If my people do not praise Me, the stones will cry out!”

Here were the poorest of the poor and they were radiant with praise to God. When the consecration came, she had her head down. Then she looked up and saw that Fr. Rick had one of those large hosts. For a moment, everybody was prostrate on the ground. It was then that she had the most beautiful image of Jesus with His two hands out. He was smiling, and within herself, she heard the words of the Gospel, “Come to Me all you who are weary, and I will refresh you.”

Just as she was seeing that, the people lifted up their faces and started shouting, “Viva Cristo Rei” …long live Christ the King!!

At that moment, she truly knew that Jesus was in the Host… that it is not just a piece of bread, but truly Jesus, Himself. For these people, in the midst of their poverty, they had the King of Kings. They clapped, cheered, and cried, “Viva Cristo Rei” …long live Christ the King!

She found herself weeping as she saw the great faith of these people, and she asked herself, “Is my faith as strong as theirs, that I may always realize that a Consecrated Host is really Jesus’

The Little Children

Mass ended and the burned little boy, who had been placed under the Mass table, had long since stopped crying. Sr. Briege went to look for him, and she was overwhelmed when she saw him. He had crawled out from under the table, was totally healed, and was playing in the sand!

She went over to the old woman, and said to her, “What happened to him?” With hindsight, she realized that it was a stupid question. The old woman looked at Sr. Briege, and said, ” What do you mean what happened? Didn’t Jesus come?”

As Fr. Rick put his hands over the bread and wine and called upon the Holy Spirit, as the bread and wine were changed, the little boy was changed. He was given new skin!

Not only that, before the Mass, Sr. Briege saw a mother bringing in a Down Syndrome baby. The mother was a young girl, and she had this beautiful little baby in her arms, but it had all the appearances of having Down Syndrome. She and Fr. Rick prayed over the child. At the end of the Mass, the child’s mother came running up to her, saying, “Look at my baby!” Her baby was now perfect.

More Healings

There were many more healings. Sr. Briege had spent eight hours with the people, and she did not remember which ones she prayed with, but it was certainly not all of those who were healed. It was as if God had put on a display of miracles. Fr. Rick usually did not pray with the people. All he did was celebrate the Mass.

Power Of The Eucharist

Sr. Briege spent eight hours on the mountain dump, and she went back to El Passo so overwhelmed that she could not sleep. Finally, at three a.m., she heard Jesus tell her, “Get up and pray.”

She knelt at the side of the bed, and the Lord said, “You asked My Mother to help you, and to show and teach you, She brought you here. People come and seek signs and wonders. They go looking for healers and for something to help them, and they will go to anybody!

Yet, I am on the altars of the world and in the tabernacles of the world, and they pass Me by. I brought you here because I have a mission for you. I want you to go to the world and speak on the power of the Eucharist. As you begin to lead people to the Eucharist, I will show you what I can do… and, He is doing just that!

This occurred in 1972. Since that time, Sr. Briege has been traveling all over the world to speak about the power of the Eucharist.

In Ireland, as in many parts of the world, they have a history of men and women who knew that the Mass was worth living and dying for.

Beg the Holy Spirit to help you to understand the Eucharist. Beg Jesus to give you a Eucharistic Heart, a real love for the Eucharist, like the two disciples who said to Him, “Where do you live?” and He responded, “Come.”

Come to Him in Mass and Adoration. Tell Him your needs, confide in Him, love Him, and then feel His consolation and healing. This is what He wants of us now. Sr. Briege understands that she is only an instrument through which the Eucharistic Heart of Jesus comes to us, but He tells us that we can approach Him directly by loving Him in the Eucharist. He wants to console and heal us, but first. He wants us to believe in Him, and then to come to Him. Do it.

Schools Out for the Summer!!

2010-06-03T18:45:00.003-04:00

I'm not sure who is happier about school being out for the summer! It, quite possibly, could be me! To finally have a break from the penance I call homework, making lunches, forcing daily baths, early bedtimes, and the dreaded wake up routine makes this mom a happy camper (well, maybe not a happy camper since the thought of camping does not make me happy)

Here are some shots from the end of school activities:

Happy Birthday, Bill!

2010-06-01T10:54:00.003-04:00

Today would have been Bill's 50th birthday! I'm not sure what the proper protocol is for an event such as this. Even 3 years later I'm still asking myself what do you do on days like this. I know that there are no rules but I sure wish that I could turn to page 25 in the Widow Playbook and read something!

Anyway, a very blessed birthday to William Arthur O'Brien! We miss you and we are still praying for you! By the way, Bill, thanks so much for making such a ruckus with the thunder and the lightening yesterday! - I told Keagan you were popping lots of balloons getting ready for your Heavenly Birthday Party!!

"Never Again": Obama and the BP Oil Spill

2010-05-30T10:04:00.000-04:00

Pray, Pray, Pray!

2010-05-29T23:52:00.002-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Melancholy

2010-05-28T22:34:00.006-04:00

I've been feeling quite melancholic the past few days. I can't put my finger on the reason(s) behind the emotions and I'm trying to give myself permission to have days like this without having to justify it. I've been thinking quite a bit about the baby that I placed for adoption. I'm not sure what has triggered the sudden influx of thoughts about him. It may be because I have a nephew that is roughly Joseph's age and he's graduating from high school this year. Or, it may be because my youngest son "graduated" from Pre-K and now moves on to all day kindergarten (ALL.DAY.) It may be because I watched Oprah (that darned Oprah!) and her show was all about reunions. The thoughts and feelings about Joseph came to a head as I watched reunited birth mothers and adopted children. Oddly enough, none of them were boys. All of the children being reunited were girls/women. It gave me pause...

Joseph is 19 1/2 years old and I've longed for him to suddenly have this strong desire to find me. I've prayed for it secretly. I don't dare to proclaim this desire for fear of rejection or for fear that it makes me seem vulnerable and not so tough. It's weird being a birth mother. I'm not sure where I fit when it comes to it all. Now that I have children of my own, I understand the protective nature of being a mother - whether that child comes from within your own womb or from the womb of someone else, it doesn't matter - so I can relate to the fear, the vulnerability of potentially having to "share" my child with someone else. So, what to do with the motherly desires to see and hold my first born child? Is it ok to have such desires? Why do I feel like I'm cheating on Murphy when I call Joseph my first born child? Why do I feel like I'm coveting a bond that isn't mine to desire? What do I do with these emotions?

Is it little of me to want someone to comfort me over this? Does it diminish the sacrifice if I am sad or I get wistful? With whom do I share any of this? I have no one to share in these emotions because there really is no one that can understand. I know I can seek out a support group or talk to a counselor/therapist but I just want someone that I love to help me through this because they just know what it's like. I know it's been 19 1/2 years, get over it, right? Why are these emotions surfacing?

I want someone to tell me it's ok for me to seek information about Joseph. I want someone to tell me that they'll be there for me every step of the way. I don't want any more people to tell me that it would be better if I waited for him to contact me in case I get hurt or rejected. Maybe I'd take the hurt and the rejection over the not knowing. I just want to take a peek at his little face. I just want to smell his hair. I just want to kiss his cheeks. I just want to tell him that he is and has always been loved. I just want to know what he has thought about me these past 19 1/2 years. I just want...

I'll wait until he seeks me. That's what a mother does, she waits.

Psalm 40
1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
He turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
He set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Signs of Summer

2010-05-24T08:23:00.003-04:00

Red-Headed Stepchild

2010-05-19T11:16:00.003-04:00

18 May 2010
Red-headed Stepchild

It's possible my skin is a bit thinner than usual these days, due to home life busyness and chaos that's more ramped-up than normal, but I am so sick to death of hearing from Protestants that I'm not a Christian, or I'm not saved, or I'm lost and confused, or blah, blah, blah.

Sheesh. Give me a break already. You'd think the Bible fell out of the sky one day, leather-bound with a concordance, and landed in Luther's or Calvin's hands and prior to that, nobody had heard the word of God before. You'd think that Christian churches simply sprang up out of thin air in the year 1500 or so, and prior to that Christianity was waiting in limbo to be shared with the world.

Catholics are not the red-headed stepchild of Christianity. We are not pagans, heathens, or idolaters.

This kind of petty, ignorant, and pig-headed crap has to stop. I have never in my life presumed to tell a Protestant that they're not going to Heaven, or they don't know Jesus, or they're not saved, or blah, blah, blah. How could I possibly make such a pronouncement? What grief we must inflict on Jesus' heart with our stupid nonsense.

I could never not be Catholic. I have found it to be the fullness of the Christian faith and I will never settle for anything less. I could not live without His body and blood. I believe Jesus built His Church on the Rock of St. Peter and since then, it has continued and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.

I'm sad and sorry for the splintered Christianity that exists today, and I pray that we will all be one again soon. In the meantime, I love my brothers and sisters in Christ; I learn from them and take inspiration from them; I am often so amazed and blessed by them. I just wish some of them could stop nailing their personal manifestos to the door already.

*I got this from mychocolatehart.blogspot.com and I am reposting it here because it really hit me especially hard today. I have been involved in several dramatic "Whore of Babylon" discussions in the past week and, folks, I'm weary! Do I believe that being a Catholic gets me into God's Graces more quickly? Heck no! But I would rather chop off a limb than not receive the Eucharist and the Precious Blood - a limb, I tell 'ya!!! I believe, also, in the greatest commandment and that is to love one another as God loves us. I'm no touchy-feely gal but I do believe that the greatest tool of converting someone is to be so stinkin' on fire for God through loving others and Christ above all that people will wonder what the heck you're learning! And, I'll gladly share with them the beauty, the sacredness, the wonder, the history, the miracle that is the Catholic Church!*

Cubs Game - 5/15/10

2010-05-16T21:38:00.005-04:00

Went to the Cubs game on Saturday with Murphy, Keagan, Bill, and Alex. It was super chilly but super fun! I sure love Chicago but, with all of the traffic headaches, would not want to live in or around the city! UGH!
ps. Briege stayed home to hang out with her Nana and Papa!

Special Report from Catholic Online: Disaster in Nashville - U.S. News - Catholic Online

2010-05-11T14:13:00.001-04:00

Special Report from Catholic Online: Disaster in Nashville - U.S. News - Catholic Online

Very Sweet!

2010-05-10T14:34:00.002-04:00

Q&A from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

Joshua Littman, a 12-year-old boy with Asperger’s syndrome, interviews his mother, Sarah. Joshua’s unique questions and Sarah’s loving, unguarded answers reveal a beautiful relationship that reminds us of the best—and the most challenging—parts of being a parent.

To learn more about StoryCorps, visit storycorps.org

I Am Nothing by Jeremy Camp

2010-05-07T13:22:00.002-04:00

I'm being lazy posting all of these "copied" posts and videos but they are speaking to me where I am so I thought it was worth sharing with all of my loyal readers (I mean reader!! Thanks, Dorrie!!)

Medjugorje

2010-05-06T13:56:00.001-04:00

*Music: Gospa Majka Moja by Michael Baru

Weep

2010-05-01T22:46:00.002-04:00

29 April 2010

Weep, Rachel! Baby Boy Aborted Alive and Left to Die
from Catholic Online by Jennifer Hartline

I would have taken him in a heartbeat and loved him. You probably would have as well. I know there are countless couples out there who would have given anything for the gift of him. I know when you read about what happened to him, you will be as angry as I am at this moment. Then you will, hopefully, weep as I am at this moment. He deserves every tear we can shed and then some.

The story of this horrible evil deserves righteous anger. It is entirely appropriate to scream and wail. There doesn't seem to be nearly enough wailing – that may be what is beginning to bother me most. I am enraged by the overriding hush.

The UK Telegraph reported April 28 that in the town of Rossano, Italy, a 22 week-old baby boy was aborted alive, wrapped in a sheet with his umbilical cord still attached and left alone to die. 20 hours later, he was discovered by a priest who went to pray beside his body and noticed that the baby was moving and breathing. Doctors then had the baby taken to a neighboring hospital to be cared for in a neonatal intensive care unit, where he ultimately died, nearly two days after being ripped from his mother's womb and discarded like trash.

His mother decided to end his life because prenatal scans suggested he was disabled. Suggested. Possibly disabled; declared unworthy to live. He was murdered by heartless animals wearing lab coats, who have medical degrees hung in frames on their office walls. He was handed over to death by the one who was entrusted by God with his care, and he was killed and thrown away by those who take an oath to “first do no harm.”

It's time to stop tip-toeing around, sugar-coating our language for fear of sounding offensive. What's offensive is what was done to this child. What's offensive is the barbaric execution of babies in the womb in the name of “reproductive freedom.” What's offensive is that societies at large turn their eyes away, pretend not to notice, and justify the evil being masqueraded as a “right.”

How I long to hear Rachel weeping! How I long to see her wail at the top of her lungs, cover her head with ashes and mourn for her children! “A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more.” Jeremiah 31:15

Instead, it is the anti-Rachel who presently exerts her influence and power over us. The anti-Rachel is heard in the voice of Planned Parenthood, NARAL, NOW, Emily's List, Catholics for Choice, Catholics United, the judges and politicians who protect abortion “rights” and yes, our President. The anti-Rachel sits in the seat of power in our country and around the world, and weeping for our children has been eschewed; now we declare victory and “freedom” won by their calculated deaths.

The anti-Rachel said just today that abortion must be kept safe and legal and whether or not it is rare is beside the point.
“If those 1.21 million abortions represent only the women who could access abortion financially, geographically or otherwise, then that number is too low. Yes, too low....Do we dare admit that increasing the number of abortions might be not only good for women's health, but also moral and just?” RHReality Check, “Keep Abortion Safe and Legal? Yes. Make it Rare? Not the Point.” by Aimée Thorne-Thomsen

I would love to hear Ms. Thorne-Thomsen defend what was done to that baby boy in Italy this week, and defend it she must if she insists abortion is just and moral!

Where is the statement from Planned Parenthood extolling the courageous service of this doctor in providing the mother the “reproductive health services” she needed? It should not make one iota of difference to them how this baby died. All that matters is that his mother wanted him killed and the doctor tore him out of the womb. As long as he ultimately died, the details are irrelevant. After all, abortion is abortion is abortion. What difference does it make how it's accomplished? So what if the insentient blob of tissue, the little parasite, the disabled fetus, the unplanned and unwanted intruder doesn't die right away? Whether in the womb, halfway out of the womb, or delivered and laying on an instrument table, who cares? So what if it dies hours or days later, having been thrown in the corner with the dirty laundry?

No, the voices of anti-Rachel cannot be sad for the death of this baby boy. Death is the necessary fruit of their labors. The most they can do is plead for the cause of better-trained doctors who are responsible and skilled enough to make sure they get the job done right on the first try. The tragedy for them here is that yet another doctor has failed to provide women the care they deserve.

The manner of this child's death is horrifying beyond belief, but it's not the location of his death that makes it a homicide! He was the very same 22 week-old infant hours earlier when he was kicking and growing inside his mother's womb! He was the very same human being the moment he died as the moment before he was aborted. That he died slowly, nearly two days after the abortion, only means he was clumsily murdered.

I know there will be many people in many countries who will be outraged over this child's death. They may weep and feel furiously angry. But will it matter? When the next opportunity comes to usher Rachel into the seat of power, that laws of life may be written in place of the current laws of death, will the millions remember this little boy and their anger over his murder?

In our own nation, will the millions who say they recognize the humanity of the child in the womb remember this precious child and finally denounce the mythical “right” of abortion? Will they take their anger to the ballot box in defense of the sanctity of human life?

Will Catholics in America finally live the undeniable truth of the faith they claim to believe? Human life is sacred and created by God. Abortion kills a child. No one has the right to kill a child. Abortion is intrinsically evil. This is what the Church teaches, yet scores of self-described Catholics either brush aside or flat-out reject this truth and carry the banner of “choice” instead. Why?

Why would this child's death have been legal, moral, just, and acceptable if only he had died immediately?

How long will we choose the curse over the blessing?

Why isn't Rachel's weeping a deafening roar?

Rachel absolutely must refuse to be comforted over the brutal death of this child and every child who is killed in the name of “choice.”

(This boy was killed in Italy, but it happens here in the U.S. more than anyone will admit, despite our Born Alive Infant Protection Act. Read more at Jill Stanek.)

Facebook

2010-04-29T10:16:00.004-04:00

I think it's just about time to say goodbye to you! I love how you keep me connected and keep me in touch with my friends that are both near and far. I love how I can post something about my life, good or bad, and within minutes my friends pop out of their hiding places to give me feedback. I love how I can share my proud moments of finding love or of one of my kids in some obscure moment. I love how I can escape into My Happy Island and design a place that I wish were real so that I can truly live there (sometimes) I love how I can spy on my friends and know that a loved one has died or that they are feeling groovy or grab words of wisdom from every day people (such as, "Sometimes being a mom is like watching your heart walk around in someone else's body.")

But, along with the love comes the icky feelings I get when I see hurtful comments directed at me or at one of my friends. It's icky when one cannot tell the tone of voice and can assume the worst! It's icky when one comments on a story or a post only to be slammed or abused. It's icky when there is no true free voice for those that are pro-life or Conservative or Catholic or all three of these things! It's icky when some anonymous person can crush the peace in one's heart merely by their condescending remarks!

Is it goodbye for now or goodbye forever?

(In the inflection and voice of Chandler from Friends) "Could I BE any more dramatic?"

Sean Leyes!!!

2010-04-26T21:44:00.002-04:00

This is my nephew, Sean Leyes, and his acapella group from Notre Dame called Halftime! He is the youngest son of Bill's sister, Kathy. Amazingly talented and a sweet kid to boot!!

Murphy - Florida

2010-04-23T20:44:00.002-04:00

Keagan - Florida

2010-04-21T09:10:00.003-04:00

Briege - Florida!

2010-04-19T09:26:00.000-04:00

My sweet Briege in Florida!

Ahhh!

2010-04-07T18:38:00.003-04:00

Such a great time in Bonita Springs, FL! Here are a few snapshots of our awesome vacation! I'll post more pictures as I get them. Suffice it to say, the vacation was so much fun!

Worth Repeating...

2010-04-06T12:54:00.000-04:00

Spring Break

2010-03-30T16:03:00.002-04:00

I'm on Spring break people!!! Bonita Springs, FL is an unbelievable site to behold. I will post pictures and give details upon my arrival back into South Bend, IN. Suffice it to say, "WOW!!!!"

Feast of the Annunciation

2010-03-25T13:27:00.002-04:00

Thank you, Oh Most Blessed Mother, for your Yes! May we all be as obedient and trusting in the workings of Our Father. Thank you for your most precious example of love, faith, and submission.

Self-Will by Michael Casey

2010-03-24T21:47:00.002-04:00

I "borrowed" this from another blog as they "borrowed" from the author, Michael Casey. I felt as though it really explained my struggles with knowing what is my will and God's will(I was thinking of Dorrie from Chicago, as we have spent endless conversations about this very topic!)

Enjoy.

Abandoning self-will, by Michael Casey

Divesting ourselves of self-will is a goal easily stated, yet it takes a lifetime of effort even to make a beginning. Without thorough self-knowledge, we can never be sure that our effort is not merely a subtle expression of the very self-will we are striving to eliminate. For this reason the task is usually left to other people. Family, friends, associates, superiors, and those who are supposed to take the lead from us will all join together in a massive conspiracy to frustrate our plans and projects. At least this is how it seems on our more paranoid days.

It is interesting in reading biographies of the saints to note how often they are blocked by the well-meaning interventions of small-minded and conventional wielders of power, subjected to scorn and humiliation and reviled by those who ought to know better. This is especially evident in the lives of founders and formers of religious orders.

Blessed Mary McKillop was hounded by certain bishops in colonial Australia fro much of her life and eventually excommunicated; she has been beatified, they not. Anyone who speaks or acts against the institutional status quo can experience trouble – irrespective of whether their message is from God or from themselves.

Indifference, misunderstanding, passive aggression, and various degrees of harassment are unavoidable especially for those who try to live creatively. They are generated in others independent of our will and often of our deserts. If we resist the temptations to become professional victims, such mistreatment can be a potent means of purifying the subtle promptings of self-will in the ordering of our life. It is not enough, however, to be totally passive, waiting for someone to come along and persecute us. Once we have developed the capacity to discern the stirrings of self-will, we can refuse to cooperate with it. We are given a measure of freedom. We can say “No”!

Over the years, we can become quite good at withholding our consent. That is admirable, of course, but it can turn us into very negative people. Excessive caution and suspicion, combined with an element of rigidity, can rob our life of any sense of lightness and joy, isolate us from many of the harmless pleasures of life, and risk our being dismissed as eccentrics by those whom otherwise we may have been able to help. Just because the Ten Commandments begin “Thou shalt not” does not mean that religion is merely a matter of saying “No”!

Christianity, in particular, is principally a matter of learning to say “Yes!” Merely abandoning self-will condemns us to live in an affective desert until such time as the love of God becomes paramount in our awareness. For most of us, this is too hard. This is why a more excellent way is proposed to us; genuine, unselfish love is a sweeter and equally effective means of neutralizing disordered self-will, but it also needs to be worked at.

Saying “Yes!” to others is not only a marvelous means of being kind to them, it is also an effective means of blocking our self-will and ensuring that the good deeds we do are not being poisoned by a hidden agenda. It is one of the more attractive effects of the spiritual gift of meekness (Galatians 5 : 23 – see Matthew 5 : 5). That is why, in the history of monasticism, obedience has always played a strong role. It was not seen primarily as a means of establishing or enforcing social order, but as a technique by which the monk could put self-will on hold while repair work was undertaken to remedy some of the ravages of sin.

• Adapted from the book: Fully Human, Fully Divine, by Michael Casey, a Cistercian monk of Victoria, Australia,

I Needed to See This Today

2010-03-23T19:35:00.001-04:00

Best-selling author Katrina Kenison reading to a group from her latest book "The Gift of an Ordinary Day".

Bonus Post

2010-03-22T14:27:00.003-04:00

Aren't these two cute? They play so well together and there is a tremendous amount of brotherly love (even though they are cousins) It's a constant battle to get Keagan to accept that Brady and his brother, Mason, come over 2 days a week. It's as though you just took away his Star Wars figurines when he realizes that when he gets home from school THEY are going to be there. And, Brady, he asks me over and over when Keagan is coming home because he can't wait to see him.

Normally, this will regulate itself and they end up playing pretty nicely together. There are, of course, little squabbles but they are minor and the day is ended with no injuries. Today, the tide turned a bit (pun totally intended) The boys were playing outside and amidst a few fights, things were going pretty well. Until I heard a real cry coming from Brady. I ran out there as I was checking on baby Mason at the time. I saw Brady standing there crying and Keagan telling him something so I assumed it was a verbal argument and ordered them inside as I didn't think the neighbors would appreciate the prolonged fighting. Brady was still crying and I asked Keagan to tell me what happened and began to weave this elaborate story about how Brady was minding his own business and then the chair viciously reached out and tripped him. I didn't see any scrapes but I comforted Brady anyway.

Then came the real story from the 2 1/2 year old mouth. As Keagan victoriously walked away, Brady mentioned something about "and Keagan bit me." "You mean he hit you, right?" "No, he bit me!" Brady, then, lifted his shirt to show me the perfectly formed mouth and teeth marks on his little chest. At this point, I blacked out because I couldn't believe that my 5 year old was now creating huge lies in order to avoid getting into trouble. Must my 12 year old AND my 5 year old go through the same stage at the same time? As I look back to the past few minutes, I can now see Brady's face, as Keagan is telling the story, looking at me as if saying, "this jack ass is lying to you!"

So, what to do? Needless to say, I spanked Keagan with a bit of gusto! Don't send me letters - no mark was left and I think the event merited some corporal punishment! Of course, I'm thinking Keagan's mad at me because I'm getting serious with Bill or that I'm raising an abuser (his lie was just so frickin' convincing!) What am I doing wrong? I'm not sure how to handle this! He's been in his room for the past hour and I'm not certain as to how long he should be forced to stay there! An hour, two hours, his lifetime? UGH!

I have 4 days until we leave for our vacation to Florida and in these few days I have to, somehow, keep my sanity! Only to drive 22 hours with 5 kids (4 of which are boys) in a van. Thank God, Bill will be there with me and we can sit in the front and pretend we're on this vacation alone! God help me, please!

Are You Kidding Me?

2010-03-22T12:54:00.001-04:00

I've been trying to come up with a million things to say about this whole Obamacare debacle (I think I used that word one other time - his speaking at Notre Dame's commencement) I, honestly, just will have to remain (or become more) prayerful. God is in charge and He loves us all individually so I'm just going to have to believe that even in this messed up world that He will take care of all of it.

Having said that, I fully intend to vote against those, ummm, posers that voted for this ridiculously, thinly-veiled Socialistic health-care bill. Joe Donnelly? Yep, you hide behind your big stance as being one of the few pro-life Democrats and so you got my vote at election time. You got my vote because I thought it was courageous of you to stand up for the rights of the unborn in an environment that was hostile for you to do so. Where were you on Sunday, Joe Donnelly? Was your vote cast before or after you received the Eucharist? Was it before or after reading the thousands of emails, letters, and voice mails from your employers (you know, us!) imploring you to vote "No"? Was it before or after you felt that you were firmly entrenched in the Washington scene?

In the words of the growing Facebook group: Dear Joe Donnelly, You're Fired!

I can feel Spring coming this way!!!

2010-03-17T18:12:00.002-04:00

"He showed me how to love"

2010-03-16T16:53:00.004-04:00

Shelly showed me this video and I cried my eyes out with her - yes, I look forward to our visits, Shelly :)